Attack Of The Puppet People

Bert I. Gordon’s specialty, if it can be called that, was making movies about animate objects that were either very large or very small. Hence, titles in Gordon’s filmography like VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS, THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN, KING DINOSAUR, BEGINNING OF THE END (giant grasshoppers), EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (giant ants), FOOD OF THE GODS (giant chicken). And ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE, which is not about puppets, but people shrunken to about six inches in height.

A kindly old dollmaker played by John Hoyt (WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE) owns a three-room doll factory on the fifth floor of an office building. He’s the only employee of Dolls, Inc., except for new secretary June Kenney (EARTH VS. THE SPIDER), who is replacing the old secretary, who just disappeared. So did Hoyt’s mailman and several other people in Hoyt’s outer circle, not that the authorities ever noticed. Well, the title gives it away — Hoyt has learned how to shrink people and soon adds Kenney and doll salesman John Agar (TARANTULA) to his repertory company.

Of course, it’s typically silly “Mr. B.I.G.” shenanigans, though Hoyt works hard to create a sympathetic villain. Hilariously, based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, Kenney deduces her boss turned Agar into a doll just because the doll looks like him. The fact that she’s right makes this plot point no less ridiculous. Gordon takes credit as director, producer, story writer (IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA’s George Worthing Yates wrote the screenplay), and technical effects supervisor.

Befitting a film at this budget level, the quality of the effects varies. Sometimes the simplest are the best — some shots of miniaturized people in glass tubes are actually 2D photographs, rather than actors and photographic effects. Agar and Kenney make out during THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN at a drive-in, and AIP released ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE on a double bill with Gordon’s sequel, WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST.

Venom (1981)

I’m just going to jump in and proclaim VENOM the greatest killer-snake movie of all time (I would not be surprised to learn about some crazy Asian snake flick that makes VENOM look as sedate as a Mitch Miller concert). Much of its value comes from its cast, which includes some of the acting profession’s most notorious troublemakers. You’d have to be nuts to cast Klaus Kinski (SCHIZOID), Oliver Reed (SITTING TARGET), Sterling Hayden (THE LONG GOODBYE), and Nicol Williamson (THE EXORCIST III) in the same movie. When original director Tobe Hooper (THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE) was fired a few days into production, it may have saved his sanity.

Piers Haggard (THE FIENDISH PLOT OF DR. FU MANCHU) was a rapid replacement for Hooper, but to his credit, none of VENOM’s backstage shenanigans show up on the screen. It’s a neat little thriller with a unsettling premise that should affect you whether you’re afraid of garter snakes or let your pet python crawl freely around your home. Kinski leads a band of kidnappers after the asthmatic grandson of wealthy hunter Hayden. Kinski’s conspirators include family chauffeur Reed and the boy’s nanny Susan George (MANDINGO), Kinski’s lover who uses her wiles to keep muscle-headed Reed toeing the line.

It goes to show no matter how intricate your plan, you can’t think of everything. Such as a black mamba, the world’s most vicious and poisonous snake, getting loose in the house. Hey, it could happen. With Williamson’s laconic police inspector and his men surrounding the house, the kidnappers, Hayden, snake expert Sarah Miles (RYAN’S DAUGHTER), and the boy are trapped inside with a killer that could literally be almost anywhere — inside the air vents, behind a curtain, hiding in a dark corner. Yikes.

For a last-minute director pulled from the ranks of British television, Haggard does a remarkable job keeping the suspense high and your rear end on the edge of your seat. VENOM is a very good thriller, thanks to its wily direction, stellar cast, and creepy cinematography by Gilbert Taylor (STAR WARS), who keeps the camera close to accentuate the claustrophobia that enhances the characters’ fear.

Untamed Youth/Born Reckless

Howard W. Koch, a very busy producer and director of B-movies (including FRANKENSTEIN 1970, VOODOO ISLAND, HOT CARS, and BIG HOUSE U.S.A.), signed megablonde Mamie Van Doren to a personal two-picture contract after being impressed by her work wearing a bathing suit in THE GIRL IN BLACK STOCKINGS. Both UNTAMED YOUTH and its followup, BORN RECKLESS, gave Van Doren top billing for the first time and allowed her to do what she did best, which was wriggle around in a tight dress while singing Les Baxter songs that sort of sounded like rock-and-roll.

To be fair, Van Doren may have been minimally talented, but what she did, she did extremely well, and it’s difficult to pull your eyes away from her. So pity poor Lori Nelson (DAY THE WORLD ENDED), who acquits herself just fine in UNTAMED YOUTH, but unfortunately barely registers standing next to the bullet-braed Van Doren. The two blondes play sisters who are busted by corrupt sheriff Robert Foulk (who played a nicer sheriff on LASSIE) on hitchhiking charges and sentenced by judge Lurene Tuttle (TV’s JULIA) to thirty days slave labor on a cotton plantation owned by LAWMAN’s John Russell (who turned up years later in Clint Eastwood’s PALE RIDER).

What we have is cinema’s first women-in-prison musical, as Van Doren or Eddie Cochran (“Summertime Blues”) as a prisoner named Bong bursts into family-friendly rock tunes on a moment’s notice. Even after a long, hard day picking cotton under a sweltering sun, these beatniks still have the energy after work to turn their dorm into a swinging dance party. Writer John C. Higgins (BORDER INCIDENT) does his best to make all this nonsense, including the revelation of Russell’s secret marriage to the much-older Tuttle, play as if it could actually happen, and fans of 1950s bombshells will also enjoy Yvonne Lime (I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF) and nudie model Jeanne Carmen (THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS) in the cast.

The busy Van Doren was married to bandleader Ray Anthony and doing a song-and-dance act in Las Vegas during her two-picture deal with director Koch. Unlike UNTAMED YOUTH, BORN RECKLESS plays straight — unfortunate, because drama is not what either Van Doren or co-star Jeff Richards does best.

Richard Landau’s repetitive horse-and-bull story follows saloon crooner Van Doren (with tight shirts and a cowboy hat perched precariously upon her peroxide hairdo) and cowboys Richards (who went from this to his own television series, JEFFERSON DRUM) and Arthur Hunnicutt (THE BIG SKY) from county to county competing in local rodeos. Like a living Bill Ward drawing, Van Doren draws catcalls just stepping into a room, which inevitably leads to some masher molesting her, Richards getting beaten up defending her honor, and Hunnicutt missing another steak dinner to retrieve the truck for a fast getaway.

Aside from the usually entertaining Hunnicutt, Koch’s film offers little of note. The drama isn’t interesting, the rodeo action is mostly stock footage, and the strident comic relief is over-scored by Buddy Bregman. Carol Ohmart (SPIDER BABY) shows up as Mamie’s competitor for the stiff Richards, but she doesn’t seem like the villain the film depicts her as. After BORN RECKLESS, Van Doren stopped working for Koch (for whom she made three pictures) and moved on to directors Edward L. Cahn and Albert Zugsmith to varying success.

The First Power

27-year-old Lou Diamond Phillips is ridiculously miscast as a badass Los Angeles homicide detective named Russell Logan, who is L.A.'s King of Serial Killer Tracking. Some baffling police work somehow leads Logan to the Pentagram Killer, Patrick Channing (hideous Jeff Kober, perfectly cast as a creepy bastard), who sacrifices his victims to the Devil and carves pentagrams in their chests.

An anonymous tipster warns Logan not to send Channing to the gas chamber (like an L.A. cop has anything to do with the decision). After the killer's execution, Logan's fellow detectives are systematically murdered in a manner identical to Channing’s victims, right down to the knife wounds on their chests. Reluctantly teaming with the phone caller, a beautiful red-haired psychic named Tess Seaton (Tracy Griffith), Logan slowly comes to realize that Channing has returned from Hell and is possessing human bodies to carry out his murderous vendetta.

What's really funny about Phillips' character is that, despite what the other characters tell us about him, he's really an inept cop. Nothing he does has any positive impact on his investigation or pursuit, even though we're supposed to identify with his lone wolf. When he captures Channing at the beginning, he runs out of bullets (and throws his gun at the villain!), then is stabbed several times in the stomach before help arrives to apprehend the killer. Logan gets his ass kicked by just about every opponent, including a ninja-like bag lady right out of a Ronny Yu movie who floats up to the cop's loft and perpetrates some kung fu on Lou's not-bad self.

Writer/director Robert Resnikoff, whose only film THE FIRST POWER is (I'm curious as to who he was and what happened to him), does have a knack for handling stunts and action scenes. The pacing is good, and the chases and action is brisk. There's a cool spinning car jump and crash, and a stuntman playing Channing leaps off a tall building, plunges several stories, lands on his feet, and runs off.

Between the silly plot, Logan's incompetence, and the lousy acting, THE FIRST POWER provides much to laugh at, especially a real howler of a climax. Did you know the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power keeps gigantic vats of boiling acid (!) in its basement? And be sure to drink every time Lou loses his gun. Drink twice when he gets kicked in the nuts. Resnikoff’s film is a lot funnier than ERNEST GOES TO JAIL, which opened the same weekend in 1990 and came in third at the box office. THE FIRST POWER was fourth.

The Perfect Weapon

Jeff Speakman was a victim of bad timing. By the time THE PERFECT WEAPON, Speakman’s first major film, came out in the spring of 1991, studios were beginning to phase out medium-budget martial-arts movies for theatrical release, unless your name was Jean-Claude Van Damme. The future was in low-budget actioners made for the video market, which is where Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Brian Bosworth, Jeff Wincott — even Chuck Norris — found themselves working during the 1990s.

And so did Speakman. Paramount may have been trying to groom its own Van Damme in the kenpo karate black belt, but THE PERFECT WEAPON opened in sixth place (well ahead of Richard Grieco’s IF LOOKS COULD KILL, at least), and Speakman’s next film two years later was for a dying Cannon. Speakman continued working in direct-to-video features, but not with prime scripts or directors. Behind-the-scenes whispers that Speakman could be difficult to work with probably didn’t help land good prospects either. THE PERFECT WEAPON, his only major theatrical production, remains Speakman’s best film.

Even so, THE PERFECT WEAPON is kind of a mess with KICKBOXER’s Mark DiSalle directing a routine screenplay by David Campbell Wilson (SUPERNOVA). Speakman’s romance with Mariska Hargitay (later an Emmy winner for LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT) was cut completely out of the picture, leaving the prominently billed Hargitay with zero dialogue. Also contributing unfortunately abbreviated performances are Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (PEARL HARBOR) and Clyde Kusatsu (IN THE LINE OF FIRE), indicating credited editor Wayne Wahrman (I AM LEGEND) may have taken a dislike to those two talented gentleman as well.

Speakman holds his own on-screen, considering he was hired for his impressive physical skills. Every action hero in television and movies now uses some sort of martial arts — usually faked through doubles and rat-tat-tat editing — but Speakman’s speed and agility as a screen fighter are the real deal, and DiSalle is smart enough to just point the camera and let his star do his thing.

Once you get past the dreary origin story that fills the opening reel, THE PERFECT WEAPON settles down as a perfectly acceptable action flick. Jeff Sanders (Speakman), long estranged from his father (Beau Starr) and brother (John Dye), both policemen, returns to Los Angeles’ “Koreatown,” where his mentor (Mako) is murdered by the Korean mob — specifically, the hulking Tanaka (Professor Toru Tanaka).

Deciding he’s the “perfect weapon” to avenge Mako, because his outsider status can open doors that the police can’t penetrate, Sanders kicks, punches, and smashes his way through a small Asian army to get to Yung (James Hong), the man at the top. With a Gary Chang score and Snap’s “The Power” laying a musical backdrop, THE PERFECT WEAPON surpasses its cheap look (“Koreatown” looks like a backlot) and narrative hiccups to deliver a surplus of authentically bone-crunching thrills.

The Omen (1976)

If it had only featured one of cinema’s all-time great decapitations, THE OMEN would stand tall within the horror genre. But the film that put director Richard Donner on Hollywood’s A-list (he did SUPERMAN next) is more than just slick murder sequences.

Given a generous budget by 20th Century Fox and handed major movie stars Gregory Peck (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD) and Lee Remick (ANATOMY OF A MURDER), Donner and screenwriter David Seltzer created a genuine horror classic that even the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences blessed with two Oscar nominations (Jerry Goldsmith won for his iconic score). Likely influenced by — or at least given the green light because of — THE EXORCIST, THE OMEN was the fourth biggest hit of 1976 behind ROCKY, A STAR IS BORN, and ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN.

THE OMEN is based on a nifty “what if” — what if your newborn baby was actually the Anti-Christ? That’s what happens to U.S. Ambassador Robert Thorn (Peck in a role Dick Van Dyke turned down!) when his and wife Katherine’s (Remick) son dies shortly after being born. Katherine doesn’t know, so Thorn agrees to secretly adopt a baby whose mother died during childbirth. It isn’t long — about five years — before unusual tragedies begin to occur around the Thorn family, notably little Damien’s nanny hanging herself at his birthday party (one of Donner’s great shocker scenes). Is Damien (Harvey Stephens) the son of Satan? Will Thorn have to destroy his son? Can he?

The director of BRONK and SARAH T.: PORTRAIT OF A TEENAGE ALCOHOLIC seems an unusual choice to make a big-budget horror movie for a major studio, but Donner made the most of the opportunity. The story unfolds as a grim mystery with David Warner (TIME AFTER TIME) turning in good work as a photographer who teams with Thorn to play detective. The murderous setpieces are staged with gruesome good taste, and Goldsmith’s Oscar-winning music establishes a sinister tone early and never lets go. Because THE OMEN keeps the supernatural horror within the realms of believability, its power remains potent decades after its original release. Many sequels, ripoffs, and an unloved 2006 remake followed.

Deadly Eyes

James Herbert, whose novel THE RATS was the basis for this horror movie released by Warner Brothers, called it “absolute rubbish.” For a movie that dressed dachshunds in rat costumes to create its “monsters,” DEADLY EYES acquits itself fairly well. The director, Robert Clouse, is better known for ENTER THE DRAGON and other action movies (clips from his GAME OF DEATH can be seen in a DEADLY EYES movie theater), but he also made THE PACK, a very good thriller about killer dogs against humans stranded on an island.

The star is Sam Groom, who played the eponymous POLICE SURGEON on the indefatigable syndicated television series of the 1970s. Miscast as an “exciting” man with “animal magnetism,” Groom plays Paul Harris, a high school teacher and basketball coach with the will to rebuff sexy cheerleader Trudy (THE NEST’s Lisa Langlois) when she tries to seduce him in the boys’ shower. But Harris has the hots for lady health inspector Kelly Leonard (Sara Botsford) and becomes intimately involved in her job to exterminate the giant steroid-rage rats living in the sewers.

Clouse is ruthless when demonstrating the brutality of these animals — their first victim is a baby yanked from her high chair and dragged into the basement with only a bloody trail to indicate the child had ever existed. Another victim is beloved character actor Scatman Crothers (from Clouse’s BLACK BELT JONES), which really makes us good and mad. As silly as dressing dogs in rat costumes sounds, it’s actually fairly effective and more believable than the animatronics and hand puppets used in bloody closeups.

The screenplay by Charles Eglee (DEXTER) drags like hell in the middle with the soppy romance between Groom and Botsford and the annoyingly fickle Langlois’ crushes. Clouse knows how to build a setpiece, though, and DEADLY EYES is at its best when the rats go all out — tearing into a crowded movie theater or chowing down on upper-crust types on their way to a ribbon-cutting ceremony. The climax is weak, however, and early scenes involving Harris’ students are ultimately pointless. I doubt DEADLY EYES is the best killer-rat movie ever produced, but it certainly ain’t the worst.

Superman And The Mole-Men

Before George Reeves starred in the first season of the syndicated ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, Lippert Pictures produced this 58-minute feature that was later cut into a two-part episode, “The Unknown People.” SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN was not a pilot per se, but was a vehicle to release in theaters as publicity for the TV show, which premiered in 1952.

Reeves (RANCHO NOTORIOUS), who became a television star in the dual role of Clark Kent and Superman, is terrific in it — confident, intelligent, tough, and compassionate. He’s almost matched by the feisty Phyllis Coates (PANTHER GIRL OF THE KONGO), who remains the screen’s pre-eminent Lois Lane.

Daily Planet reporters Kent (Reeves) and Lane (Coates) travel to little Silsby, home of the world’s deepest oil well, which drills more than six miles below the surface. Unfortunately, it has drilled a tunnel to the underground home of a race of “mole people”—phosphorescent midgets with hairy backs and big foreheads—who crawl to the surface and run around accidentally frightening humans to death. They may also be radioactive, spurring the hotheaded citizens, led by rabble-rousing bigot Luke Benson (Jeff Corey), to form a lynch mob to murder the strange creatures. Superman (Reeves in a padded suit) shows up in time to rescue the invaders and teach Silsby a lesson in tolerance.

Welcome exterior filming and a strong story — both of which the TV series generally lacked — as well as its short running time, help this minor science fiction film go down easily. Reeves doesn’t appear as Superman until the 24-minute mark and dominates from then on. Harry Thomas’ special mole man makeup is unconvincing. Discounting serials and cartoon shorts, SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN was the first feature to star Superman or any other National Periodicals character. No Jimmy Olsen or Perry White in it though. Corey, ironically, was blacklisted in 1952 by people very much like Luke Benson.

The Golden Gate Murders

He’s a cop. She’s a nun. Together, they solve a murder in THE GOLDEN GATE MURDERS, an entertaining made-for-TV crime drama that teams the distinguished British actress Susannah York (THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON’T THEY?) with the crusty and busy television star David Janssen (THE FUGITIVE). The plot is typical cop-show stuff, but Janssen was never uninteresting on the small screen.

A priest (Regis Cordic) plummets over the side of the Golden Gate Bridge. Investigating is gruff, wisecracking police detective Paul Silver (Janssen), eight years on the graveyard shift, but temporarily switched by boss Tim O’Connor (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) to days. What seems like an open-and-shut case of suicide is exacerbated by the priest’s nurse, Sister Benecia (York), who is convinced he would never kill himself.

Because director Walter Grauman gives us glimpses of Cordic going over the side, we know he was murdered (the title also gives away the mystery), so while writer David Kinghorn (TWO FATHERS’ JUSTICE) sends the stars through their procedural paces, we derive pleasure from the chemistry between them. Of course, romance is out (or is it?), but the distinguished York brings out the best in the hilariously brusque Janssen, who probably isn’t ad-libbing, but is so natural in his line-readings that he sometimes appears to be. He wears sunglasses a lot, which may be to hide red eyes (he’s funny when shopping with York and nonchalantly filling his cart with liquor bottles, telling her, “I entertain a lot”).

The production is surprisingly cheap for a ‘70s TV-movie with Grauman shooting driving scenes against an unconvincing screen and bridge scenes on unconvincing sets. Janssen died a few months after CBS aired THE GOLDEN GATE MURDERS against Game 1 of the American League Championship Series between the Orioles and Angels.

The Last Dinosaur

This American/Japanese co-production bypassed U.S. theaters for a premiere on ABC after a DONNY & MARIE episode. It’s the only film ever made with a hero named Masten Thrust Jr. I guess we have screenwriter William Overgard, best known for drawing the STEVE ROPER & MIKE NOMAD comic strip, to thank for that.

Basically a mixture of Jules Verne, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Toho monster movies, and the Jock Mahoney adventure THE LAND UNKNOWN for Universal-International, THE LAST DINOSAUR sends wealthy white hunter Thrust (Richard Boone), journalist Frankie Banks (Joan Van Ark), scientist Kawamoto (Tetsu Nakamura), geologist Chuck Wade (Steven Keats), and tracker Bunta (Lester Rackley) above the Arctic Circle, where they enter a tropical valley populated with dinosaurs beneath a volcano. The party becomes stranded there, and Thrust becomes obsessed with killing a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Boone, a great actor who became a television star on HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL, is fascinating to watch for both the right and wrong reasons. He plays the heck out of the complex character Overgard created on the page, giving the misogynist, rundown, yet somehow heroic Thrust plenty of dimension. He’s also clearly plastered in some scenes — Boone was a notorious alcoholic — is cursed with an outrageous toupee, and fiddles with his false teeth once or twice. His romantic chemistry with the 27-years-younger Van Ark (KNOTS LANDING) is surprisingly effective.

The special effects work by the Japanese crew is, as usual, not terribly believable, but almost always fun and imaginative. The American producers were Arthur Rankin and Jules Bass, well known for animated television specials like RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER and FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. They brought back Boone, Overgard, and co-director Tsugunobu Kotani for THE BUSHIDO BLADE, which turned out to be Boone’s last film (he died before its 1981 release).

Death Race 2050

Roger Corman remakes DEATH RACE 2000, a black comic action classic he produced for director Paul Bartel in 1975. Unlike the recent “remakes” (titled DEATH RACE, DEATH RACE 2, and DEATH RACE 3), DEATH RACE 2050 brings back the one thing everybody remembers about Bartel’s film, which is the conceit of earning points for every pedestrian who is run over and killed. Playing Frankenstein, the David Carradine role, for director G.J. Echternkamp (FRANK AND CINDY) and his co-writer Matt Yamashita (SHARKTOPUS VS. PTERACUDA) is the charmless Manu Bennett (THE HOBBIT).

There is also a touch of HUNGER GAMES in the picture, which is to be expected considering Corman’s fast-buck reputation. The most prominent evidence is Malcolm McDowell’s...shall we say, flamboyant?...turn as The Chairman, whom the actor plays as a combination of Caesar Flickerman and Donald Trump. He’s having more fun than anyone watching this movie. The only other actor whose performance rises above “competent” is soap star Marci Miller, who projects humor and sex appeal as Frankenstein’s partner without pressing it.

Though DEATH RACE 2050 goes so far as to repeat specific gags from the original film, everything about it is worse: acting, script, costumes, even the cars are less individualistic. Remarkably, the visual effects are worse. It’s unclear if the actors spent more than a day outside, since the whole race is created by technicians with mice. Exciting car stunts? Not here. CGI explosions and phony green-screen scenery outside the drivers’ windows? Plenty.

Occasionally, a joke will land, most of them as captions identifying the locations (learning the new Washington, D.C. was formerly called Dubai is a good one). The humor in Bartel’s film wasn’t subtle, but it was witty. Echternkamp abandons any pretense of wit in favor of broad jabs at easy targets, often culminating in a bloody body part falling from the sky. And Corman’s star falling along with it.

Savage Beach

By the time he made SAVAGE BEACH, writer/director Andy Sidaris had his perfect formula for escapist adventure down pat: gorgeous women (always nude or scantily clad), handsome guys, Hawaiian beaches and palm trees, guns, gadgets, explosions, tongue-in-cheek humor, suggestive dialogue, and a slick production that belied its low budget.

Beginning with his third, MALIBU EXPRESS (a remake of STACEY, his first film), Sidaris’ movies flow across the same universe with characters and relatives of characters popping up from picture to picture. While casting actors to play the same characters in several films made sense in terms of continuity, Sidaris also had the confusing habit of bringing back actors to play different characters. So, for instance, John Aprea (MATT HOUSTON) would get killed off as the main heavy in PICASSO TRIGGER, but return as a good guy in SAVAGE BEACH.

SAVAGE BEACH marks the third screen teaming of Playmates Dona Speir (as Donna) and Hope Marie Carlton (as Taryn), undercover DEA agents posing as cargo pilots in Hawaii. Their assignment is to deliver emergency serum 1500 miles through a storm to sick children on an island in the South Pacific. On their return trip to Molokai (and just after putting the plane on autopilot so they can change out of their wet clothes), Donna and Taryn make a forced landing on an uncharted island.

Uncharted, but busy. Not only is it home to a Japanese soldier who believes World War II is still a thing (and killed Taryn’s father!), but also there lies a cache of Philippine gold stolen by the Japanese, which a bunch of guys — both good and bad — coincidentally picked this exact time to chase. As usual, Sidaris’ screenplay is ridiculously confusing, though one wants to give him the benefit of the doubt that the confusion is part of the joke. As is casting a pre-porn Teri Weigel (CHEERLEADER CAMP) as a political revolutionary.

Speir stuck around for more Sidaris flicks, but the adorable Carlton bolted, which was a blow to both her career (SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III was no step up) and Sidaris’ followups. While neither starlet was believable as a government agent (nor were they supposed to be), they were both competent actresses with disparate personalities that meshed well. Sidaris found new partners for Speir, but none matched Carlton’s appeal.

The Jigsaw Murders

Concorde actually got this crime cheapie into a few theaters. Star Chad Everett even plugged it and another Roger Corman production, HEROES STAND ALONE, on a segment of SUPER PASSWORD, though not using the current titles.

The film needed all the help it could get, even from daytime television audiences, because THE JIGSAW MURDERS is an uninspiring crime drama with laughable police procedure, unconvincing performances, and slackly directed action. Considering its subject matter, director Jag Mundhra (NIGHT EYES) would have been better off including more sleazy content, which would have been both appropriate and more entertaining.

Everett, a big shot on MEDICAL CENTER more than a decade earlier, is Joe DaVonzo, a drunken L.A. homicide detective estranged from his model daughter Kathy (BLAME IT ON RIO’s Michelle Johnson) because he disapproves of the nudie photos in her portfolio. He and his rookie partner Elliot Greenfield (soap star Michael Sabatino) are assigned a case involving a Jane Doe (played in photographs by Michelle Bauer) whose assorted body parts are popping up around town. With very little mystery to hook the audience, the cops soon discover her identity, which leads them to her suspected killer, a pervy photographer named Ace Mosley (Eli Rich). The killer’s motive and psychological profile are pretty shaky in Allen Ury’s screenplay, which concentrates on DaVonzo’s obsession with putting Mosley away and his return to the bottom of a bottle when his incompetence allows the psycho to go free.

Everett may have considered THE JIGSAW MURDERS a comeback vehicle, but the flimsy story lets him down. One can see why the veteran leading man would have been attracted to the role, which allows him to cry, crack jokes, act drunk, play domestic drama, and be a cool action star. Never a versatile performer, Everett comes off better than Rich (LOCK UP), whose over-the-top line readings indicate why his career never took off. Jag Mundhra’s sledgehammer direction reaches its peak with a hilariously overwrought crosscutting between a worked-up Everett, drinking and tossing his whiskey glass through his television screen, and Rich masturbating to slides of Michelle Bauer.

Besides Yaphet Kotto’s one day’s work as a jovial coroner who, yes, eats on the job and a brief bit by Brinke Stevens (SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE) as a nude model, THE JIGSAW MURDERS presents little of interest. Not even jigsaw “murders,” as the damn movie only gives us one (the film was shot under the title JIGSAW). Not a great year for Chad Everett, as HEROES STAND ALONE received as little attention as THE JIGSAW MURDERS, if not less, and his ABC pilot, THUNDERBOAT ROW, failed to get picked up by the network.

Fear City

The New York Knifer roams the scuzzy streets of the Big Apple, carving up strippers represented by talent agents Tom Berenger (PLATOON) and Jack Scalia, starring in his first film after mild success as a television leading man. Multiple cases of exotic dancers catching the blue flu coincide with news of their colleagues being butchered, and Berenger and Scalia may go broke unless bigoted cops Billy Dee Williams (LADY SINGS THE BLUES) and Daniel Faraldo (I, THE JURY) catch the killer. Finally, after Scalia is kung fu’ed by the serial killer and lapses into a coma, Berenger goes hunting with the backing of mobster Rossano Brazzi (SOUTH PACIFIC) and rival agent Jan Murray (WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR).

FEAR CITY sat on the shelf nearly 18 months after principal photography until independent distributor Chevy Chase Distribution (no connection to the actor) dropped it into theaters nationwide. Directed by Abel Ferrara, then known for pornography and violent horror movies, FEAR CITY features more sleaze, violence, and nudity than 20th Century Fox, which partially backed the production, was comfortable with. What Fox expected from a director with Ferrara’s resume may be lost to history, but there is little doubt he gave them just what he promised. FEAR CITY is strong stuff for sure, but it’s also a tough, gritty thriller with an excellent cast and an eye-opening view of 42nd Street in all its grindhouse glory.

Scalia, who starred in several television series, including the notorious TEQUILA & BONETTI, without any of them being a hit, shows off a modicum of big-screen charisma and easily holds his own opposite his more experienced co-lead. Berenger gets more to do, however, including pine for his ex-girlfriend, a bisexual stripper played by Melanie Griffith (also in the sexy BODY DOUBLE), who does love scenes with Rae Dawn Chong (TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE). Great mugs like Michael V. Gazzo (SUDDEN IMPACT) and Joe Santos (THE ROCKFORD FILES) appear, as do gorgeous women like Janet Julian (HUMONGOUS), Ola Ray (10 TO MIDNIGHT), and EXTREME PREJUDICE’s Maria Conchita Alonso in her U.S. film debut.

The Laughing Policeman

Best known as a comedic character actor (he won an Oscar for THE FORTUNE COOKIE), Walter Matthau’s gruff, hangdog stage demeanor were perfectly suited to the tough, gritty milieu of urban cops and criminals, particularly when dark humor was involved. THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE and CHARLEY VARRICK are ‘70s crime classics, but THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN is no slouch. It’s an absorbing mystery directed by Stuart Rosenberg (COOL HAND LUKE) that offers an outstanding supporting cast for Matthau to play with. Robert Altman seems to have been an influence on Rosenberg, who amps the realism by casting actors who don’t look like movie stars and having them talk over each other.

Eight people are slaughtered on a San Francisco city bus by a black-gloved individual using a “grease gun.” Leading the investigation is Lieutenant Jake Martin (Matthau), who is nonplussed to discover one of the victims is his partner, Dave Evans, who was supposed to have been on vacation. A visit to Dave’s girlfriend Kay (Cathy Lee Crosby) reveals that Evans was secretly working one of Jake’s cold cases. Jake, who’s having problems at home (he and his wife sleep in separate rooms, and his 15-year-old son goes to porn theaters), is teamed up with a loquacious new partner, Leo Larsen, played charismatically by Bruce Dern (THE KING OF MARVIN GARDENS).

Also in the cast are Lou Gossett Jr. (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN), Val Avery (BLACK CAESAR), Anthony Zerbe (HARRY O), Joanna Cassidy (BLADE RUNNER), Albert Paulsen (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE), Matt Clark (WHITE LIGHTNING), Gregory Sierra (BARNEY MILLER), Clifton James (Sgt. Pepper in the 007 films), Paul Koslo (MR. MAJESTYK), and Leigh French (THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR). The performances are quite good, particularly Gossett’s black sharpie, cool as a cucumber on the streets. Matthau’s taciturn mumbling and Dern’s motormouth charm is a winning combination.

Tom Rickman, later to write COAL MINER’S DAUGHTER and DEAD POETS SOCIETY, adapted one of Per Wahloo and Maj Sjowall’s Swedish police procedurals about detective Martin Beck. Rickman’s dialogue is very good, and he and Rosenberg do a decent job constructing a complicated plot without over-explaining it to the audience. The bus massacre that opens the picture is marvelously suspenseful, and Rosenberg’s handling of the other action sequences is equally tactful.

What I Watched and Read in 2016

I watched 332 movies last year, which is down from 2015's total of 350. I also read 99 books, just up from last year's total of 98. And I watched 677 television episodes, which is up from last year's 625. So basically, more television, fewer movies.

The best movies I saw for the first time last year (in no particular order):
THE EXECUTIONER PART II
A CONSPIRACY OF FAITH and THE ABSENT ONE
THE HATEFUL EIGHT
TREMORS
EX MACHINA
TRIANGLE
THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1991)
UNDER FIRE
YOU'RE NEXT and THE GUEST
THE NARROW MARGIN (1952)
BLOOD FATHER
TOUGH AND DEADLY
THE GHOST BREAKERS
SECONDS
SHADOW OF A DOUBT

Honorable Mentions:
THE REVENANT
BRIDGE OF SPIES
THE CONTENDER
NATIONAL LAMPOON: DRUNK STONED BRILLIANT DEAD
MOON
TURBO KID
THE NICE GUYS
SEEKING JUSTICE
FUGITIVE FAMILY
CLOSE RANGE
CAT BALLOU
HARD TARGET 2
THE NIGHT CALLER
THAT'S SEXPLOITATION!
PROJECT A
THE HOUSE OF FEAR
SABOTEUR
MITT
THE MAGNETIC MONSTER
BACK IN ACTION
WOLFCOP
CHRISTINE (2016)
ONE BODY TOO MANY
THE MAD EXECUTIONERS
HUSH (2016)
WOLF LAKE

Worst 2016 Releases (That I Saw):
SUICIDE SQUAD
I AM WRATH
PHANTASM: RAVAGER
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
GHOSTBUSTERS

Of the 99 books I read, 92 of them were first-time reads. A few recommendations by genre:
Crime Drama:
APRIL EVIL by John D. MacDonald
RECOIL by Brian Garfield
CATSPAW ORDEAL by Edward S. Aarons
CLANDESTINE by James Ellroy

Biography:
ARE YOU ANYBODY?: AN ACTOR'S LIFE by Bradford Dillman
QUIZMASTER: THE LIFE AND TIMES AND FUN AND GAMES OF BILL CULLEN by Adam Nedeff
HOPE: ENTERTAINER OF THE CENTURY by Richard Zoglin

Film/Television:
BRONSON'S LOOSE AGAIN!: ON THE SET WITH CHARLES BRONSON by Paul Talbot
THE CREATURE CHRONICLES: EXPLORING THE BLACK LAGOON TRILOGY by Tom Weaver
SHOOTING STAR by Maurice Zolotow
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK: THE NATIONAL LAMPOON AND THE COMEDY INSURGENTS WHO CAPTURED THE MAINSTREAM by Ellin Stein
THE COMEDIANS: DRUNKS, THIEVES, SCOUNDRELS AND THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN COMEDY by Kliph Nesteroff
THE FIFTY-YEAR MISSION: THE FIRST 25 YEARS by Edward Gross & Mark A. Altman

Sports:
GOING LONG: THE WILD 10-YEAR SAGA OF THE RENEGADE AMERICAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE IN THE WORDS OF THOSE WHO LIVED IT by Jeff Miller
MAD DUCKS AND BEARS by George Plimpton

Some classic television series I sampled for the first time last year:
THE RANGE RIDER
CAPTAIN GALLANT OF THE FOREIGN LEGION
THE ADVENTURES OF FU MANCHU
WHIRLYBIRDS
HONG KONG
RIPCORD
THE LLOYD BRIDGES SHOW
BRENNER
HEY LANDLORD!
EYE GUESS
THE GLEN CAMPBELL GOODTIME HOUR
DEATH VALLEY DAYS
SAYS WHO?
ALL ABOUT FACES
CHASE
MATT HELM
THE STARLAND VOCAL BAND SHOW
SIDEKICKS
LEGWORK
THE HIGHWAYMAN
THE MIND OF THE MARRIED MAN
LUCKY LOUIE

I finished binge-watching THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and THE BOB NEWHART SHOW near the end of the year. I'm currently working on LAW & ORDER (that should take me a couple of years at least) and BARNABY JONES (which goes down as smoothly as a glass of warm milk before bed).

Wolf Lake (1980)

It’s hard not to compare this outdoor thriller with Columbia’s OPEN SEASON, the Peter Fonda film. Both are obscure productions about middle-aged men on a hunting excursion into Canada who stalk a younger man and woman as prey. WOLF LAKE, written and directed by western veteran Burt Kennedy (SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF), is the better film with better defined characters and a more proficient layering of mood upon the action.

Rod Steiger (IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT), who never wore a toupee that didn’t look like a dust bunny swept from behind his basement’s water heater, plays a war veteran who brings along Marine buddies Richard Herd (ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN), Jerry Hardin (THE HOT SPOT), and Paul Mantee (ROBINSON CRUSOE ON MARS) on his annual vacation into the wilderness. Residing in the next cabin are bearded David Huffman (BLOOD BEACH) and his girlfriend Robin Mattson (BONNIE’S KIDS).

Put off by Huffman’s beard and the discovery that the young couple are living together and unmarried, the conservative Steiger, whose son died in Vietnam, blows off steam by giving the kids a hard time. But when he also learns Huffman is an Army deserter, the harassment grows meaner and uglier, pushing the pacifist Huffman into a STRAW DOGS scenario in which violence can only be countered with greater violence.

While WOLF LAKE, symbolically set in the bicentennial year of 1976, makes clear that Steiger and his buddies are the villains, Kennedy takes care to let both sides make their case. Huffman is no coward, but left Vietnam after witnessing horrific atrocities that made him question his and his country’s role in the war. Steiger, too often an unconvincing ham, is slightly more restrained than usual and completely believable as his rage boils over into psychosis.

Kennedy asks the audience to swallow a lot. Sure, Steiger’s character is tumbling into madness, but Hardin, Mantee, and Herd seem to be playing decent guys, and their sudden transformation into drooling rapists is hard to believe. Kennedy makes up for any minor plot discrepancies with a thrilling third act that finally lapses into cliche. Huffman, a drip of a leading man in BLOOD BEACH, is more effective here, easily holding his own with the blustery Steiger in their scenes together.

Open Season (1974)

Filmed in Spain, Italy, and England’s Pinewood Studios, this frustrating Spanish production is yet another riff on THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. It’s skillfully made by director Peter Collinson (THE ITALIAN JOB) and there’s no doubting the cast’s exploitation credentials, but OPEN SEASON never really comes together.

A major flaw is William Holden’s brief scene near the beginning. You know perfectly well Collinson didn’t fly in Holden for a minor role any actor could have played, so a part of your brain is constantly distracted “when is Holden coming back.” When he does return in what’s supposed to be a plot twist, you aren’t surprised at all.

Also known as THE RECON GAME, Collinson’s thriller stars Peter Fonda (EASY RIDER), John Philip Law (DANGER: DIABOLIK), and Richard Lynch (THE SEVEN-UPS) as childhood buddies and ‘Nam vets who get away from their suburban homes, families, and lifestyles for two weeks every year by taking a hunting trip deep into the Canadian forest. As younger men, they escaped prosecution on a gang rape and, ever since, have used their annual getaways to overindulge in liquor, women, and debauchery.

More disturbingly, these perpetually giggling sociopaths have become bored with hunting regular game, so have spiced up the sport by tracking people instead. This year’s victims are Cornelia Sharpe (BUSTING) and Alberto de Mendoza (HORROR EXPRESS), a couple cheating on their respective spouses. To its credit, OPEN SEASON portrays sadism in an interesting manner, casually and understated. While the kidnappers are cruel murderers, they aren’t slobbering monsters or bug-eyed psychos, which makes the quiet psychological terror they inflict on Sharpe and de Mendoza more chilling.

Too lethargic and chatty to work as proper exploitation, however, OPEN SEASON offers fine work by Lynch, who would tumble into heavy roles in low-budget pictures and episodic television that were below him, though he always gave his all. Writers Liz Charles-Williams and David Osborn, who adapted Osborn’s novel THE ALL-AMERICANS, also penned two ‘60s Bulldog Drummond thrillers. Their screenplay serves up too many questions that go unanswered, and the tacked-on finale (apparently only seen in some prints) is a cop out.

Star Wars: Rogue One

The first movie ever made solely to address a perceived plot hole in a previous movie, ROGUE ONE is the eighth film in the STAR WARS universe and the second made by Disney. Marketed as a “standalone” film, it in fact is a direct prequel to the original STAR WARS that tells the story of the rebels who stole and delivered the Death Star blueprints that reveal a structural weakness that allows one well-placed torpedo to destroy the super-weapon. It’s safe to say sales of Felicity Jones (THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2) and Diego Luna (BLOOD FATHER) action figures will never catch up with those of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, or Harrison Ford, as their star performances are lacking in chemistry and charisma and their characters are uninteresting. The same can be said for the movie’s story.

Considering the basic premise couldn’t be simpler — a band of rebels plan a break-in of Imperial headquarters to steal the Death Star plans and get them to safety — it’s a mystery why the plot credited to Chris Weitz (ANTZ) and MICHAEL CLAYTON’s Tony Gilroy (more on him in a moment) is so needlessly complicated. The first twenty minutes or so take place on five different planets, and the story becomes so jumbled that the names of the characters are easily missed. Director Gareth Edwards (GODZILLA) has a tough time keeping important story points clear, but what we do know is that Galactic Empire baddie Krennic (BLOODLINE’s Ben Mendelsohn, looking cool as hell in white duds with a cape) snatches engineer Galen Erso (CASINO ROYALE villain Mads Mikkelsen) and forces him to build a planet-killing device to be known as the Death Star.

Erso’s abandoned daughter Jyn (Jones) is recruited by the Rebels fifteen years later to accompany spy Cassian Andor (Luna) and find Galen (it’s unclear to me why they needed her), whom Cassian is secretly ordered to assassinate. Along for the ride are blind swordsman Chirrut Imwe (Donnie Yen), bowman Baze Malbus (Joe Mari Avellana Lookalike Contest winner Wen Jiang), space pilot Bodhi Rook (Riz Ahmed), and smartass robot K-2SO (voiced by SERENITY’s Alan Tudyk). Though K-2 is meant to be a fan favorite, it only left me wondering why these badass Imperial robots never showed up in “later” films — a plot hole more egregious than blowing up the Death Star with one torpedo.

Darth Vader (once again voiced by James Earl Jones, but not played by David Prowse) is here too, but more surprising are appearances by CGI-animated versions of Peter Cushing (who died in 1994) as Grand Moff Tarkin and Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia. The CGI Cushing is overall not good — the voice portrayal by actor Guy Henry is all wrong — but some shots from behind or as reflections in a window are passable. The CGI Leia is frankly awful, clearly unusable, so bad that a 1976 George Lucas would undoubtedly have sent the footage back to the effects team until they got it right. The worst special effects shot in STAR WARS is more convincing than that CGI Leia in 2016.

Perhaps some of the weaknesses of story and visual effects can be explained by the film’s hectic post-production, which involved Disney sending director Edwards to the bench in favor of Gilroy, who wrote and directed massive reshoots — so much so that ROGUE ONE’s original trailer looks almost like a different film. The film’s lengthy action climax, easily the best part, appears to be almost all Gilroy’s work. Gilroy can’t be blamed for the film’s casting — only Mendelsohn, Yen, and Jiang turn in good work, and Forest Whitaker (who may be wearing his BATTLEFIELD EARTH costume) is downright terrible — but his best writing and directing efforts weren’t enough to make ROGUE ONE a creative success.

It! The Terror From Beyond Space

Scripted by respected science fiction author Jerome Bixby, who also provided classic teleplays for TWILIGHT ZONE (“It’s a Good Life”) and STAR TREK (“Mirror, Mirror”), IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE is often mentioned in discussions of ALIEN. And for good reason, as ALIEN’s plot and structure are basically identical to IT!, though it would be a stretch to call the more stylish and evocative ALIEN a ripoff.

One of the better films by quickie director Edward L. Cahn (six Cahn films were released in 1958, including IT!’s co-feature CURSE OF THE FACELESS MAN, also penned by Bixby), IT! uses its low budget well, and its special effects are surprisingly ambitious, such as shots of two astronauts walking outside their spaceship. The monster suit, worn by stuntman Ray “Crash” Corrigan, is menacing, despite a silly scowl permanently etched into its face.

Credit to Cahn and Bixby for not wasting time at the beginning (the entire film is only 69 minutes). An American rocket lifts off from Mars with a new passenger: the only survivor (DAKTARI’s Marshall Thompson) of a previous expedition. Thompson stands accused of murdering the other nine members of his team and is being brought back to Earth by commander Kim Spalding (THE TRUE STORY OF LYNN STUART) and his crew to stand trial.

Thompson claims his colleagues were murdered by some sort of monster, but nobody believes him. Until, of course, the stowaway creature starts bumping off the cast Agatha Christie-style. Bullets and grenades have little effect on its scaly epidermis (no fancy laser pistols for these blue-collar joes), and most of the astronauts are sucked dry of their bodily fluids before Thompson finally gets the idea to suffocate the dumb thing. He’s vindicated in the end, but if only they had listened to him earlier.

Shawn Smith (THE LAND UNKNOWN) and Ann Doran (RIOT IN JUVENILE PRISON) are aboard, but typical of ‘50s sci-fi movies, they clear the dishes from the dinner table and let the men shoot the guns and fight the creature, even though Doran is playing the ship’s doctor. Doran and Dabbs Greer (THE GREEN MILE) play a middle-aged married couple, which is unusual. Though the film was made quickly and inexpensively, some care was taken to give the characters personalities.

Paul Blaisdell, who designed and created monsters for many 1950s thrillers, such as Roger Corman’s IT CONQUERED THE WORLD and DAY THE WORLD ENDED, also designed It, though Corrigan wore the costume. He usually played gorillas in movies, plus the suit didn’t fit him perfectly, so It is less agile than Cahn and Bixby intended. At least Cahn gave the audience what they came for, showing It in all its glory, for better or worse. By the way, Bixby loved ALIEN.