Wild Things...Part 4?

Brand new from Sony Pictures: WILD THINGS FOURSOME!

At least the sniggering title of this low-rent third sequel to the underrated 1998 original (directed by HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER’s John McNaughton) pays off. I don’t know why I call it a sequel, because, just like WILD THINGS 2 and 3 (both written by FOURSOME director Andy Hurst), it’s really a remake. Same basic plot with new character names, worse acting, and more boobs.

The sucker is rich asshole Carson Wheetly (boy band singer Ashley Parker Angel), who’s cut off without a penny after his racecar driver dad Ted (Cameron Daddo) dies in a track accident. Making matters worse is the rape charge that lands Carson in jail. His accuser, girl-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks Brandi (Jillian Murray), wants $10 million to make the rape go away.

It isn’t spoiler territory to reveal that Carson isn’t really a sucker, but is in cahoots with Brandi, his girlfriend Rachel (Marnette Patterson), and Rachel’s best friend Linda (Jessie Nickson) to foil his father’s will, which leaves his inheritance in a trust until age thirty, and get some emergency cash. It seems no one else in the movie has seen the earlier WILD THINGs, because they’re completely fooled by this plan. Except perhaps the police detective (DUKES OF HAZZARD icon John Schneider) investigating both Ted’s crash and Brandi’s rape.

Or maybe Carson is a sucker. You know how twisty these WILD THINGS movies get. And lazy, because there isn’t a single twist in the plot by HAMMERHEAD writers Monty Featherstone (!) and Howard Zemski you won’t see coming. Even the most infuriating ones. Hurst populates his cast with young people who look great in bikinis (or less). Notice I didn’t use the word “actors.” To call the young cast actors would be to demean what real actors do.

On the other hand, Schneider as a cop with the cop-like name of Frank Walker doesn’t walk through his part or play it for camp. I wouldn’t say he’s taking the role seriously—he knows he’s doing WILD THINGS 4, for crying out loud—but he attempts to invest Walker with some humor and flair, and he’s definitely the most entertaining part of the film. Outside of the many scenes of hot girls kissing, of course. Not even a Duke boy can compete with that.