Friday, August 22, 2014

Final Voyage

FINAL VOYAGE is a direct-to-video thriller that manages to rip off UNDER SIEGE, which was a ripoff of DIE HARD. Amazingly, director Jim Wynorski got Erika Eleniak, who was in UNDER SIEGE, to star in it. It’s one of many action movies made at the time that bought stock footage of setpieces from studio movies and wrote a story around them (for instance, shots from DEEP RISING are all over FINAL VOYAGE).

The charisma-challenged Dylan Walsh (CONGO) stars as professional bodyguard Aaron Carpenter, who, after screwing up a job in the opening scene (although it appears to me as though he did okay), receives an even better gig (!) protecting an heiress (Eleniak) on a cruise ship. Unfortunately, the ship is the target of terrorists led by Josef (Ice-T) and slinky Max (Claudia Christian).

What’s really amazing about FINAL VOYAGE is how shoddy the production looks. The cruise ship never has more than a handful of extras, the “bowels” of the ship were obviously filmed in some sort of factory or refinery (check out the concrete walls), and every other scene features the same prop life preserver hanging on the wall—one that misspells the name of the ship!

If you’re looking for an exciting action movie, avoid this voyage at all costs, but if you don’t mind mocking the multitude of continuity errors (keep your eye on the shoulder Walsh gets shot in), cheap sets, clunky dialogue, and mismatched stock footage (one lengthy sequence borrows quite heavily from JUGGERNAUT, a movie made 25 years earlier!), you could have a good time with it.

While the movie is nothing to get excited about, the audio commentary track on the out-of-print Artisan DVD is. Wynorski and (especially) Christian have a rollicking time ripping the movie to shreds, "MSTing" everything from Ice-T's acting deficiencies to the ludicrous plot contrivances to the hilarious appearances of a prop life preserver with the name of the ship misspelled on it. It's one of the most entertaining commentaries I've listened to, and I agree with Wynorski when he says it's ten times more entertaining than the film.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Horror Express

This gory Spanish thriller marked the sixteenth time that British horror icons Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing appeared in the same film. It is said that HORROR EXPRESS was made because producer Bernard Gordon owned the model train and the sets built for PANCHO VILLA and needed to do something with them (the miniature effects in HORROR EXPRESS are excellent).

The plot by Julian Zimet and Arnaud d’Usseau, who also wrote PSYCHOMANIA together, is farfetched and the science is dubious, to say the least, but fast-paced direction by Eugenio Martin (PANCHO VILLA) and a thrilling score by John Cacavas (THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA) make HORROR EXPRESS a very entertaining ride. Do I need to mention the expert thesping by the British dynamic duo at the top of the bill and Telly Savalas’ hammy turn as a crude Cossack?

1906 China. Rival scientists Sexton (Lee) and Wells (Cushing) are traveling aboard a Trans-Siberian express train. So is a horrific-looking two-million-year-old iceman from outer space that is killing passengers just by looking at them. Sexton found it frozen in the Manchurian ice and was trying to secretly transport it back to Europe. Lee plays him as an arrogant snob, which is a terrific counterbalance to Cushing’s livelier, more humorous turn as the surgeon Wells.

Of course, a monster needs victims, and Martin has stocked his train with more than enough, including a mad monk (Alberto de Mendoza), a spy (Helga Line), and a gorgeous Russian countess (Silvia Tortosa). In act three, after the creature has plowed its way through most of the cast, Savalas (KOJAK) jumps aboard as Cossack captain Kazan, who not only brings with him an army of monster fodder, but also could care less which humans die, just so long as he can take the creature with them.

Spotted with splashes of blood, HORROR EXPRESS is blessed with a really cool monster that flashes a crimson eye during its attacks. Its victims gasp, bleed from their eyes and nose, and die in terror as their eyes turn white like they’re being boiled. Wells’ autopsy shows their brains have turned completely smooth (“like a baby’s bottom”), because the monster absorbs all its victims’ thoughts. I told you the movie’s science was dubious. At least it gives us wonderful howlers like, “You saw his eyes! One look at them, and you’re dead!”

Clever twists and dark humor abound in HORROR EXPRESS, but it’s hard to imagine the film working without its lead tandem of Lee and Cushing. Usually in movies in which the two share scenes, like Hammer’s Dracula series, they play antagonists, but HORROR EXPRESS allows them to work together as a team, despite their characters’ disparate personalities (Cushing pleading with a cockblocking Lee to find a different berth so he can score with a pretty young woman is delightful). Nice little horror movie filmed in Madrid.

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Striking Distance

Pittsburgh is the setting for this routine crime thriller by Rowdy Herrington, the director of ROAD HOUSE. Originally filmed as THREE RIVERS, it was reshaped a bit during post-production and rechristened with a more action-oriented title. Outside of a couple of decent chase scenes (one of which was recycled in Jim Wynorski’s ABLAZE), STRIKING DISTANCE is memorable only for its bonanza of kickass character actors.

Tom Hardy (Bruce Willis) is a Pittsburgh police detective. It’s in his blood—his father, two uncles, and three cousins are cops too. Two years after his father (FRASIER pop John Mahoney) is murdered by a serial killer and his cousin Jimmy (Robert Pastorelli from MURPHY BROWN) commits suicide in disgrace, Tom is reduced to wearing shorts on river patrol and generally just not giving a damn. Until it appears that the strangler that stalked Pittsburgh two years earlier is back and targeting Tom’s former girlfriends, even though a man was convicted of those earlier crimes and is sentenced to die in the electric chair.

The screenplay by Herrington and Martin Kaplan (THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN) is full of red herrings, flashbacks, and wild coincidences. It also conjures up a weirdo killer who tortures his victims by playing his theme song, Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs’ “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Hardy suspects the killer is a cop, but gets the runaround from his uncle Nick (the great Dennis Farina), a department bigwig. Everyone on the force thinks he’s a rat for testifying against Jimmy on a police brutality charge, so the only help Tom can rely on is his new partner, a rookie named Jo Christman (Parker). Also co-starring are Tom Sizemore (SAVING PRIVATE RYAN) as Farina's other cop son, Brion James (BLADE RUNNER), Timothy Busfield (THIRTYSOMETHING), Andre Braugher (BROOKLYN NINE-NINE), and Tom Atkins (THE FOG) in one scene as another Hardy uncle.

STRIKING DISTANCE is…okay. It’s a failure as a mystery, because we know Bruce Willis is always right, and it doesn’t take an experienced filmgoer to be able to figure out the real killer’s identity. However, everyone plays it seriously, aside from a few de rigeur Willis one-liners, and Herrington, if nothing else, knows how to pace an action movie. Nope, it doesn’t really make a lot of sense—what’s the killer’s obsession with that song?—but the movie is painless, occasionally exciting, and gives a lot of interesting actors something to do. It didn’t fare well with audiences or critics in the fall of 1993, but I think it plays a little better than that.

Monday, August 04, 2014

King Solomon's Mines (1985)/Allan Quatermain And The Lost City Of Gold

Richard Chamberlain, then fifty and riding high as the Miniseries King after starring roles in CENTENNIAL, SHOGUN, and THE THORN BIRDS, seems like an odd choice to headline KING SOLOMON'S MINES, a low-budget Cannon ripoff of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK lensed in Zimbabwe.

The former Dr. Kildare appears to be having a helluva time cutting up as wisecracking, shotgun-wielding soldier of fortune Allan Quatermain--a type of role he’d never played before. Director J. Lee Thompson, who once upon a time helmed THE GUNS OF NAVARONE, but spent the 1980s slumming in a series of Charles Bronson actioners, keeps the pace moving right along. It ain’t RAIDERS, but it is a reasonable enough Cannon facsimile.

A remake of the 1950 film starring Stewart Granger as Quatermain (both films were, of course, based on H. Rider Haggard’s 1885 novel), KING SOLOMON’S MINES actually bears more resemblance to RAIDERS. The villains are Germans, John Rhys-Davies is in it (as a sadistic Turk), Quatermain is dragged behind a train (not a truck), and Jerry Goldsmith composes a score that’s more Williams than Goldsmith. Unfortunately, the character played by Sharon Stone (who apparently got the part that Cannon heads Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus wanted Kathleen Turner for) seems modeled on Kate Capshaw on INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, as she’s a blond, bumbling, annoying twit.

Plot by Gene Quintano (COMIN’ AT YA) and James R. Silke (REVENGE OF THE NINJA) sends Quatermain and Jessie Huston (Stone) to early-1900s Africa to find Jessie’s father, a professor of archeology who claims to have a map to the legendary mines of King Solomon. It’s a race to the treasure with Quatermain and Jessie on one team and Dogati (Rhys-Davies) and German colonel Bockner (Herbert Lom) on another. Among the obstacles standing between Quatermain and untold riches are an out-of-control biplane, a pride of hungry lions, a fat gay German rapist, killer crocs, silent tree people who live in soft focus, lots of explosions, and a thousand cannibals who plan to make soup out of him and Jessie in a giant cauldron with vegetables floating in it, just like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

A lot of this material is dumb and a little of it is tasteless (it wouldn’t be a Cannon film otherwise), but none of it is dull. Thompson doesn’t allow much time between action setpieces, and only some occasionally shoddy production values (the process photography is especially inept) keeps them from working to full success. Cannon shot this film at the same time as the sequel, much as it did with the first two MISSING IN ACTION films, but ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD was not even the modest hit KING SOLOMON’S MINES was.

What happened behind the scenes of the sequel is surely more interesting than what’s on the screen, as ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD is a boring mess. Much of the exciting footage seen in the trailer is missing from the final release, which was so bad that BLOODSPORT director Newt Arnold replaced credited helmer Gary Nelson (FREAKY FRIDAY) to do reshoots in Culver City long after the production returned from Zimbabwe.

Not to blame Arnold, but his desperate attempt to turn the sludge Nelson left him into mudpies failed. Cannon dumped ALLAN QUATERMAIN into theaters in January 1987, barely a year after KING SOLOMON’S MINES opened in first place, to terrible box office and reviews. Chamberlain and Stone, 24 years apart in age and not burning with chemistry in the first film, are even less convincing this time around, thanks to writer Gene Quintano’s decision to make their characters play house together. Which is not the film’s worst decision by far.

It starts with bad romantic comedy--Quatermain (Chamberlain) arguing he has to explore the jungle in search of his brother, who disappeared while looking for a legendary city of gold, and fiance Jessie (Stone) whining hey, we’re supposed to go to America and get married. For all its faults, KING SOLOMON’S MINES was already on its third big action scene by the time we get past all the humdrum domestic squabbline.

Finally, the couple heads out for adventure. Along for the ride are Umslopogaas, a badass battleaxe-swinging warrior played for some reason by James Earl Jones, and Swarma, a campy, cowardly comic-relief Indian played by Robert Donner and somehow not by Kevin J. O’Connor in a Stephen Sommers movie. What the party finds, once they get past the phoniest special effects in any film theatrically released in 1987, are a bunch of pacifists, Elvira (Cassandra Peterson in a non-speaking role), Robeson Quatermain (Chamberlain’s non-acting boyfriend), and a fright-wigged Henry Silva as a superstitious high priest and white slaver.

Considering all the blondes in the lost city, it’s a cinch those scenes were done in L.A. As well, the opening chase looks like it was filmed in the L.A. County Arboretum, rather than Africa. Arnold landed an “Additional Scenes Directed By” credit, indicating his work was substantial. Considering how good some of the deleted footage in the trailer looked, the surrounding footage must have been awful if Cannon considered this film an improvement. As shopworn as it is, LOST CITY OF GOLD isn’t worthless if you can find pleasure in bad movies, because it isn’t boring.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Tarzan The Magnificent

Paramount and producer Sy Weintraub brought back muscular Gordon Scott for one last Tarzan feature (Scott’s sixth), and it’s almost as good as the previous picture, the terrific TARZAN’S GREATEST ADVENTURE. A notable aspect of TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT is its casting of actor/stuntman Jock Mahoney (TV’s YANCY DERRINGER) as the main villain, because Mahoney would replace Scott as the jungle king in the next two Tarzan movies.

Director Robert Day (FIRST MAN INTO SPACE) and his co-writer Berne Giler (TARZAN’S GREATEST ADVENTURE) basically transplanted an old western plot into the East African jungle. The evil Banton family, led by patriarch Abel Banton (John Carradine, whose trip to Kenya to shoot this role was his first foray outside the United States), terrorize the local villages, robbing and killing the natives. Tarzan captures the oldest Banton brother, Coy (Mahoney), and has to take him on foot through the jungle to the authorities in Kairobi.

The journey would be difficult enough if Tarzan were just being pursued by Abel and his sons (minus one who died during Coy’s capture by Tarzan’s arrow). However, he is also forced to drag along five civilians with their own reasons for getting to Kairobi, including cowardly businessman Ames (Lionel Jeffries) and his wife Fay (Betta St. John, formerly Scott’s co-star in TARZAN AND THE LOST SAFARI), whose allegiance starts to shift from her husband to bad boy Coy.

The familiar story and a few extraneous characters drag MAGNIFICENT down a bit from the heights of GREATEST ADVENTURE, but the film still ranks among the best in the Tarzan canon. The Kenyan location shooting is a bonus, of course (some interiors were filmed at London’s Shepperton Studios), and Day, a former cameraman who cut his teeth directing horror and science fiction movies, has a nice eye for arresting visuals and sharp action. It’s hard to forgive Day, though, for the shots that clearly show Tarzan’s vine is attached to a zipline cable.

The film gets a nice boost from its actors. The great Carradine, who had a tendency to ham when not directed well, delivers a nuanced, even-keeled performance as the Banton-in-charge. Scott is better at the physical stuff than the dramatic, but he’s one of the screen’s better Tarzans (of course, he had some of the best material). He also matches up well with the rangy Mahoney, and their fight that ends the picture is exciting and well-cut. It is said that Sean Connery, who played a heavy in TARZAN’S GREATEST ADVENTURE, was approached by Weintraub and Day to play one of the Banton brothers, but was unavailable because he had just signed to star in a film called DR. NO.

Like the previous entry, TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT was designed to appeal to both adults and children, and the extra care shows. Paramount released it on a double bill with Jerry Lewis’ THE BELLBOY, so maybe it thought any Tarzan flick was merely kid stuff. Scott, whose acting career to date consisted solely of Tarzan features, went to Europe and starred in sword-and-sandal, spy, and western flicks until his retirement from acting in 1967.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Exhumed Films' Forgotten Film Festival 2014

It took me a week, but I'm finally getting around to writing about the Forgotten Film Festival, which was sponsored by Exhumed Films at Philadelphia's International House last Sunday.

The guys who make up Exhumed own an extensive collection of 35mm prints and trailers and used the Forgotten Film Fest to screen five pictures that, for the most part, have literally not been released anywhere since the 1970s. None of them are on DVD or Blu-ray or VHS, at least not in the United States, and at least two were thought to be lost films. It's quite possible the prints owned by Exhumed are the only ones that still exist for some of these movies, which made my road trip to Philly to see them literally a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Note: Big thanks to Chris Poggiali at Temple of Schlock for providing some research and images for this post. I have known Chris since his days as a regular at Mobius Home Video Forum, I have exchanged many emails and Facebook comments with him over the years, and it was a great pleasure to finally meet him in person.

If you know me well, you know I love trailers. Not the dull trailers created today from the same focus-grouped template, but the idiosyncratic previews of yesteryear. Each film at the festival was preceded by several trailers and film clips that helped build a real grindhouse atmosphere.

Before the day kicked off with SKATETOWN, U.S.A., we got to see an amazing Live Aid preview featuring the Mick Jagger/David Bowie video for "Dancing in the Street" (I love it), the Who performing "You Better You Bet," and trailers for HOLLYWOOD KNIGHTS and ROLLER BOOGIE.

Fitting, because 1979's SKATETOWN, U.S.A. edges out ROLLER BOOGIE for the title of Greatest Roller Disco Movie Ever. Acts like Dave Mason (who performs in the film); the Jacksons; Earth, Wind & Fire; the Village People; Eddie Money; John Sebastian; Heatwave; and Marilyn McCoo & Billy Davis Jr. are heard throughout the film, and SKATETOWN, U.S.A. definitely works as a fun, upbeat musical. As a comedy, it’s the pits, and as a competition movie, it somewhat predicts the BREAKIN’ movies, except all the dancing here is on roller skates.

Most of the casting falls into three categories: sitcom actors, standup comics, and musical acts, primarily Mason, who performs “Feelin’ Alright.” Whatever cult SKATETOWN has is primarily built upon the first category, which includes top-billed Scott Baio (HAPPY DAYS), Ron Palillo (Horshak from WELCOME BACK, KOTTER), a hot-pantsed-and-tube-topped Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from THE BRADY BUNCH), David Landsberg (the nerdy Skulnik from C.P.O. SHARKEY), and LAUGH-IN’s Ruth Buzzi.

They participate in the plot, such as it is, which involves Baio and Greg Bradford (the two later worked on ZAPPED! together) competing in a roller disco dance competition against the absurd Ace Johnson (Patrick Swayze in his film debut) and his menacing gang of fey skaters. Like the Really Rottens, the Westside Wheelers will pull any dirty trick to ensure Ace wins the trophy.

Occasionally, director William A. Levey (BLACKENSTEIN) cuts away to let one of the comics do a bit, which without exception land with a thud, whether it’s frantic Bill Kirchenbauer as a war-damaged doctor, Vic Dunlop and Gary Mule Deer as clumsy concessionaires, old Leonard Barr, or Murray Langston, who plays both an unfunny drunk and the Unknown Comic. Flip Wilson also plays dual roles: Skatetown owner Harvey and (in Geraldine garb) Harvey’s mother (with little person Billy Barty as his father!).

It’s hard to describe SKATETOWN, U.S.A. as “good” in any honest sense of the word (McCormick wrote in her memoirs that cocaine was all over the set), but it’s a lively good time and difficult to dislike. The cutting is fast, so the bad comic bits go by quickly, and there’s fun in spotting all the cameos from Sydney Lassick to Dorothy Stratten to Bob Minor to Judy Landers to Joe E. Freaking Ross. The music is great, “disco sucks” or not, and everyone seems to be having a good time in pursuit of a bad movie.

Leading into 1974's SON OF DRACULA were trailers for YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, THE HUNGER, THE EVIL OF FRANKENSTEIN, and the boob-centric ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK. Anyone familiar with the late Harry Nilsson’s music, such as his NILSSON SCHMILSSON and SON OF SCHMILSSON albums, knows he was a man of wit and color. Which makes it all the more baffling that, as an actor, he was one of the dullest imaginable--as blank as could be. Nilsson’s soporific performance as Count Downe, the son of Count Dracula, is just one of many missteps in SON OF DRACULA, which was produced by Ringo Starr for Apple Films and barely released.

After the murder of Count Dracula in his coffin, Downe returns to London, where Merlin the Magician (Starr) is to prepare him to take over his father’s throne. Between songs, Downe decides he no longer wants to be an immortal bloodsucker, and asks Van Helsing (Dennis Price) to make him human so he can settle down with the comely Amber (Suzanna Leigh).

Most of the songs Nilsson performs are off his previous albums, but rock fans may enjoy the film’s only lively scene: the performance of the new “Daybreak,” in which The Who drummer Keith Moon, guitarist Peter Frampton, bassist Klaus Voorman, and Rolling Stones sax player Bobby Keys can be seen.

Other than this, SON OF DRACULA is a stone cold bore with Ringo’s dull playing maybe a notch above Nilsson’s. Freddie Jones does good work as Baron Frankenstein, the villain of the piece, but that’s about it. It’s no mystery why this film has stayed buried since the 1970s. The Exhumed print had a YOUNG DRACULA title card clumsily inserted into the opening titles. Obviously someone somewhere tried to pass the film off as a sequel to YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN.

On to trailers for DRACULA BLOWS HIS COOL (a bad German movie with an actor wearing an unauthorized Superman T-shirt), HORROR OF DRACULA with THE THING THAT COULDN’T DIE, GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE with GARDEN OF THE DEAD, and KISS OF THE VAMPIRE. Then, Andy Milligan's BLOOD.

I haven’t seen them all (or even most), but BLOOD is easily the most coherent Andy Milligan film I’ve seen. It’s also the funniest and the most entertaining, for all the wrong reasons, naturally.

Filmed, of course, in Milligan’s rundown Staten Island house and set, of course, in the late 19th century, BLOOD tells the story of the Orlovsky family, who are actually Larry Talbot Jr. (Allan Berendt as the son of the Lon Chaney Jr. Wolf Man) and Regina Dracula (Hope Stansbury as the daughter of Count Dracula). Helping the Orlovskys find a cure for their diseases of vampirism and lycanthropy are another married couple, Carrie (Patricia Gaul) and the legless Orlando, whom Michael Fischetti portrays hilariously by clomping about on his knees. They grow plants in the basement that produce blood (!) and make a sound like Milligan rubbing balloons, and any nosy villager dumb enough to creep about the Orlovsky home meets a gory fate (that also goes for the mouse that is slaughtered for Milligan’s camera).

Unlike other Milligans I’ve seen, BLOOD is not dull, despite its soap opera plotting, uneven (to say the least) performances, cheap props, claustrophobic sets, unconvincing period setting, awful makeup, and laughable dialogue. Come to think of it, instead of “despite,” I should have written “because of.” Bryanston Releasing, the company behind THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE and ANDY WARHOL’S FRANKENSTEIN, also released BLOOD on a number of double bills during the 1970s.

Next up were trailers for CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, DUNE (which made the David Lynch film look far more interesting than it is), ALIENS, and the underrated CRITTERS. None of them had anything to do with the next film, the very obscure MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS.

Alan Ormsby, who went on to a successful Hollywood career writing genre pictures like CAT PEOPLE, MY BODYGUARD, and PORKY’S II: THE NEXT DAY, made his directorial debut with this gender-bending comedy. Apparently shot in 1973 as THE GREAT MASQUERADE, it also carried such titles as AC/DC, THE AC/DC CAPER, ARTISTS AND MODELS BALL, and MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS, which was on the Exhumed Films print. Despite the many releases and many titles, I’d be surprised if many people have seen it.

The appealing Robert Perault (FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING) stars as Dave Collins, a Miami police detective who is recruited by his bosses to shave his legs, don a dress, and enter a cruise-ship beauty contest to find out who has murdered the contest’s last three winners. Also on board are Dave’s wisecracking partner (Paul Cronin), some bickering mobsters (including KING FRAT’s John DiSanti), Dave’s suspicious girlfriend (who doesn’t know about his assignment), and Roberts Blossom (who starred in Ormsby’s next film, DERANGED) as the rich guy who owns the pageant and is Dave’s top suspect. Producer Jack McGowan pulled strings to get cameos by columnist Hy Gardner, comic team Lou Marsh & Tony Adams, Henny Youngman, and Johnny Weissmuller (!), who judges the contest and probably had no idea he was in an R-rated film with full frontal nudity.

About that. Ormsby originally shot a PG movie, but it appears as though McGowan filmed a handful of nude scenes later and inserted them. None of the main actors appear in scenes with nude women. Nudity or not, Ormsby’s film is a cute little picture. The script needed a couple more polishes, but it still contains a fair share of laughs and is performed competently by a likable cast, many of whom are native Floridians. Ormsby shot on a real cruise ship called S.S. Emerald Seas, hence the title. He’s better known for his horror films, which include the scripts for DEATHDREAM and CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS.

Trailers for THE DEVIL’S RAIN (Shatner!), THE DEVIL’S WEDDING NIGHT, and MARK OF THE DEVIL 2 introduced the day's final feature, another obscurity, a 1968 softcore film called THE SATANIST.

Pat Barrington, the gorgeous and shapely star of essential Sixties nudie movies like AGONY OF LOVE, THE ACID EATERS, and ORGY OF THE DEAD, is the only performer I recognized in THE SATANIST, which bears no acting credits. It’s likely some or all of the technical credits are pseudonyms, though the unlikely monikered writer and director Zoltan G. Spencer may actually be a real person.

Shot in black-and-white without sync sound, THE SATANIST is basically a series of tame sex scenes held together by a slight plotline. A pipe-smoking writer and his wife move into a house where he can recover from a nervous breakdown. After spying on his sexy neighbor getting a greasy nude rubdown by a sexy nude friend, he has an erotic dream about the neighbor. He and his wife learn the neighbor and her friends practice witchcraft, and the couple attends a party that turns into an orgy. The End. Pretty much.

The women show their (impressive) breasts and buns, while the men not only stay dressed during sex, they even leave their shoes and socks on. My tolerance for the softcore genre is quite low. I rarely find the sex interesting or erotic, and there’s rarely anything else going on. Spencer at least hired attractive actresses, and Miss Barrington was definitely at the top of her field, so THE SATANIST at least has that going for it. Olympic International, which also put out classy titles like LOVE CAMP 7, THE LOVE ROBOTS, and MASSACRE FOR AN ORGY, released THE SATANIST to a few grindhouses and perhaps drive-ins, though it’s unlikely more than a half-dozen prints ever were struck.

Five films, about eight hours, followed by a chat with fellow film buffs Chris and Tim Mayer. Then, three hours back to D.C. and up early for work the next morning. A six-hour round trip to Philadelphia made for a long day, but a day well worth the effort.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Strike Force

Lane Slate (THE CAR) created STRIKE FORCE, a violent cop show about a special team of special cops that was only assigned to the most special cases, the sicker, the better. Slate thought up a real sicko for the 90-minute pilot, which aired on ABC in 1981: a nut who is using an axe to decapitate his victims. He strikes only on Tuesdays, and his six victims so far seem to be random choices, so it’s up to the Los Angeles Police Department’s Strike Force to find the connection and prevent number seven.

Slate’s teleplay leavens the grim storyline with humor and banter-filled dialogue (much of it of the racial, ethnic, and homophobic variety) among the cops, which are well-cast by executive producer Aaron Spelling and supervising producer E. Duke Vincent. Robert Stack (THE UNTOUCHABLES) is solid and stalwart, of course, Frank Murphy, recently divorced and the leader of solid family man Dorian Harewood (ROOTS: THE NEXT GENERATION), wiseguy Richard Romanus (THE SOPRANOS), rookie Michael Goodwin (THE DEAD POOL), and Trisha Noble (THE PRIVATE EYES), whose impressive bust is emphasized as often as possible by director Richard Lang.

By the way, Lang (HARRY O) does a very good job behind the camera, kicking off the pilot with an impressive pre-credits sequence showing the Strike Force blasting a pair of holdup men in sparkling slow motion. The television series was often criticized for its violent content (I loved it, of course), and Lang demonstrates right off the bat what kind of series STRIKE FORCE is going to be. The source of the serial axe killings is revealed in a chilling scene excellently performed by two guest actors that almost jumps genres from crime drama to horror.

A well-done pilot, but STRIKE FORCE had little chance of survival. ABC scheduled it against DALLAS, which was the highest-rated show in all of prime-time that season, and STRIKE FORCE was cancelled after twenty episodes. Dominic Frontiere composed the pulse-pounding theme.