Flight To Mars

Cameron Mitchell claimed FLIGHT TO MARS was filmed in five days. It certainly shows signs of a quickie production. It has a whole lot more sitting and talking than action, which may be a more realistic portrayal of space travel, but it sure isn’t as much fun. Many of the sets and costumes are swiped from previous science fiction movies, and the prolific hack Lesley Selander shoots most scenes in long or master shots with little coverage.

Still, Monogram, one of the most resilient of Poverty Row studios, deserves credit for attempting an outer space story on a Monogram budget. The special effects are cheap, of course, but I’ve seen worse in movies with more money to work with than FLIGHT TO MARS had. Mitchell plays the male lead, Steve Abbott, a tough-guy newspaperman who accompanies a four-man (and woman) crew to Mars.

Immediately upon landing their crippled rocket on the Red Planet, Abbott, commander Jim Barker (Arthur Franz), and scientists Lane (John Litel), Jackson (Richard Gaines), and Carol Stafford (Virginia Huston) are met by a Martian coterie dressed in DESTINATION MOON costumes and speaking English. Nobody seems the slightest shocked or awed by their first contact with an alien race. Turns out most of the Martians are mean and want to steal the rocket to invade Earth. But some, like miniskirted Alita (Marguerite Chapman), are good and fight against the traitors to help the Earthlings get home.

Selander, who made dozens of westerns and crime films, but no other science fiction, directs with little sophistication and no effort to make the “alien” furniture look any different than the décor in your grandparents’ rec room. The acting isn’t bad, and Mitchell and Huston (Jane in TARZAN’S PERIL) are quite good.

Conquest Of Space

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS was a big hit, so Paramount asked producer George Pal to produce another science fiction for them, this time set in outer space. CONQUEST OF SPACE, despite being somewhat based on a book by Willy Ley and Chesley Bonestell, was not a hit, however, and the studio cut ties with Pal.

To be fair to Paramount, the film isn’t very good, though it makes great use of painter Bonestell’s fascinating “astronomical art” (as it’s billed in the credits) and the studio’s crack visual effects department. Sure, the models look more like plastic than sophisticated machinery (the miniatures are too small), and the thick black lines surrounding the matted images are distracting. The stock characters drawn from decade-old World War II movies were clichés even then.

However, Pal and director Haskin, who worked together on WAR OF THE WORLDS, somehow manage a sense of wonder, perhaps because space travel was a subject that fascinated them. One can derive pleasure from CONQUEST today from its cast of then-unknowns who went on to familiar faces, mostly in television, and the film’s progressive casting of Chinese-American actor Benson Fong as an equal member of the astronaut crew was unusual for the era and quite welcome.

In addition to Fong, five others agree to man the first rocketship to Mars: Ross Martin (THE WILD WILD WEST), odious comic relief Phil Foster (LAVERNE & SHIRLEY), stowaway Mickey Shaughnessy (EDGE OF ETERNITY), RAWHIDE star Eric Fleming, and Fleming’s father Walter “Plastics” Brooke, the genius who designed The Wheel, an advanced space station from which the journey begins. After one of them is killed by a meteor shower, Brooke, the mission’s commander, freaks out in a religious epiphany and tries to sabotage the ship and kill them all.

Frankly, this plot twist comes from nowhere and neither Haskin nor Brooke is able to sell it as anything more than a cheap device to damage the ship and strand the crew on Mars. O’Hanlon continues to stretch credibility to build suspense when another crew member is killed in self-defense, yet Shaughnessy, who witnessed the struggle, accuses the other party of murder. He saw what we saw, so why is he so insistent upon a court martial?

Haskin’s films, even the good ones, were rarely lauded for their performances, and CONQUEST OF SPACE is no exception. Despite its soon-to-be name cast, the acting ranges from colorless (Brooke) to lousy (Foster in a gross caricature of an unsophisticated Brooklynite). Since the film is attempting to be “realistic,” there are no monsters or space babes on Mars, which puts more pressure on the cast to carry the drama. Unfortunately, they just aren’t up to it.

The Woman Hunt

Director Eddie Romero and producer/star John Ashley had just plundered H.G. Wells’ ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU for an uncredited remake (titled THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE), so why not do the same with Richard Connell’s THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME? And make it sleazier, of course.

Jack Hill, who wrote and directed his fair share of quickie Filipino productions for executive producer Roger Corman (including THE BIG DOLL HOUSE and THE BIG BIRD CAGE), is credited with contributing the story for THE WOMAN HUNT, along with screenplay writer David Hoover (this may be a pseudonym). In theaters just seven months after beginning production, THE WOMAN HUNT drops four women—McGee (PETTICOAT JUNCTION’s Pat Woodell, also in Hill’s THE BIG DOLL HOUSE), Lori (Laurie Rose), Billie (Charlene Jones), and Rita (Liza Belmonte)—into the cruel arms of Spiros (Eddie Garcia), a wealthy sadist who sends his henchman to kidnap beautiful women to serve as sex slaves for his decadent houseguests.

With his latest party, however, Spiros ups the stakes, turning it into a fox hunt with his foxy captives as prey. His right-hand man Tony (“You’ve always been like a son to me.”) has a weird change of heart—kidnapping and rape is totally cool, but he draws the line at stalking and murder—and leads the four girls on a jailbreak through the jungle with Spiros and his guests, armed with machine guns, not far behind.

Ashley, whose company was footing the bill for THE WOMEN HUNT, plays Tony, but Hoover didn’t give him (or anybody else, really) a character to play. Ken Metcalfe tries to create one, wearing a ludicrous red wig as Karp, another henchman. He’s unsuccessful, but HEE HAW honey Lisa Todd cuts a striking figure all in black as Spiros’ lesbian madam Magda, and Sid Haig (BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA) charges through what he knew was a bad film on sheer force of personality, providing most of the humor.

New World pushed the woman-hunting aspect of THE WOMAN HUNT in its marketing, but the action doesn’t really get started until the third act. Romero ensures each of the actresses has a topless scene, and their breasts are just about the only way to tell them apart, since none displays a distinctive personality (to be fair, neither do the men, outside of Haig). Nudity, bloody squibs, shoddy day-for-night photography, poor dubbing, and a brief 75-minute running time are the most prominent details of Romero’s film.

Tales Of The Third Dimension

North Carolina movie mogul Earl Owensby surprisingly demurred at taking a role in the 3D horror anthology he produced, which was released in 1984 as TALES OF THE THIRD DIMENSION.

Inspired by the Crypt-Keeper from the EC horror comic books of the 1950s, the film is introduced by Igor, a skeleton puppet with a Rod Serling-sounding voice that inhabits a cemetery similar to your neighborhood’s haunted house last Halloween. Even watching a murky full-frame VHS print, the strings are obvious, and the plastic bat that juts into the 3D camera is pathetic. Looking on are wisecracking puppet vultures that sounds like Laurel & Hardy and the Three Stooges (nyuk nyuk).

Igor’s first tale, “Young Blood,” written and directed by Thom McIntyre (THE RUTHERFORD COUNTY LINE), is about bickering adoption officials who make a house call to a spooky castle inhabited by vampires seeking a new child. It has a twist ending and another twist ending, and neither is all that interesting.

Then in “The Guardians” by Worth Keeter (WOLFMAN), a pair of grave robbers forces a kindly cemetery caretaker (William T. Hicks, later the heavy in Keeter’s 007 homage THE ORDER OF THE BLACK EAGLE) to tell them the entrance to catacombs hidden beneath the graveyard. Cardboard sets and sketchy matte work stand out more than the lame climax, and the story is as mundane (but slightly better acted) than the first.

The third and last story, Todd Durham’s “Visions of Sugar Plums,” gets off to a promising start with an angry father who almost drives the family station wagon off the road while taking a belt to his wiseass son in the backseat. Mom and Dad drop the two kids off at their wheelchair-ridden grandmother’s house during Christmas vacation. Granny (Helene Tryon) seems all sweetness-and-sugarplums at first, but it slowly begins to dawn on the little siblings that they’re trapped in the care of a lunatic. With a shotgun. It's pretty fucking amazing, actually.

Any recommendation of TALES OF THE THIRD DIMENSION is based solely on the last story, which is dark, demented, and funny with a droll twist. I suspect it was originally the opener, due to the film’s title appearing before it (an hour into the film!), but was wisely saved to give the audience something to laugh about as they left the theater. Pop TALES OF THE THIRD DIMENSION into your holiday horror-viewing schedule. Just be sure to skip ahead to the last tale.

Owensby directed the Igor wraparound sequences himself, though Keeter receives an additional credit as “Supervising Director”—a new one on me. Filmed in 2.35:1 in “Future Dimensions 3-D” (!) with 3D lenses by Chris Condon, who also worked on JAWS 3-D, PARASITE, and METALSTORM.

Chopper One, "Pilot"

We'll see how long it lasts, but I will try to plop in an occasional review of a classic television episode. Not everything I see, for sure.

CHOPPER ONE
“Pilot”
January 17, 1974
Starring Jim McMullan and Dirk Benedict
Guest Stars: Ted Hartley, Lou Frizzell, Hank Brandt, Skye Aubrey, Jesse Vint, Richard X. Slattery, Arch Johnson
Music: Dominic Frontiere
Executive Producers: Aaron Spelling and Leonard Goldberg
Written by Ronald Austin & James David Buchanan

Judging from the pilot, this half-hour crime drama is ADAM-12 in the Sky, but with less emphasis on character and more on action. Writers Austin and Buchanan (the copy I saw was missing credits, so I’m relying on other sources, including my own two eyes, for cast and crew information) make no effort to provide personalities for any of the characters, and most of them don’t even have names. Not even the leading men are introduced, so listen closely to the dialogue to pick up on their names.

If it makes any difference, the older cop, played by McMullan (BEYOND WESTWORLD), is Officer Don Burdick, and his younger sidekick is Gil Foley (Benedict, more famous as Starbuck on BATTLESTAR GALACTICA). CHOPPER ONE was the first regular series role for both actors, and they’re handsome and capable enough. You can tell Burdick is the veteran, because he’s the one who gets to leap out of the helicopter three times to do the hero stuff, while Foley is left holding the stick (literally).

Burdick and Foley are police officers who “drive” a helicopter, rather than a patrol car. Operating out of an unnamed Southern California city (probably members of the same “LCPD” that other Spelling/Goldberg cops like The Rookies and T.J. Hooker worked for), the two rescue a boy from a capsized skiff in the teaser. After some gentle banter between each other and fellow cops in the locker room, they get down to the main case: two gunmen have robbed a guest at the Sheraton West hotel (Brandt) and kidnapped his wife (Aubrey) as a hostage. The only crook with dialogue is played by Vint, who also popped up as a heavy in the pilot of another Spelling/Goldberg cop show, S.W.A.T.

CHOPPER ONE replaced TOMA on ABC's Tuesday night schedule. It got hammered opposite THE FLIP WILSON SHOW on NBC and THE WALTONS on CBS and was gone after thirteen episodes.

Rewind This!

REWIND THIS! is a scattershot but entertaining documentary about the VHS revolution that came of age in the early 1980s and changed the film industry forever. It’s ninety minutes long, which is not really long enough for director Josh Johnson to cover everything he wants to cover.

Johnson jumps around from obsessive VHS collectors (who seem self-satisfied and appear to have been chosen to be profiled because of their personal friendships with the director) to the early battle between VHS and Betamax for market supremacy to the role of adult films in home video to filmmakers and distributors who found early success in the direct-to-video realm. And so on.

Almost any one of these subjects is strong enough to carry its own documentary, and while Johnson does a decent job painting each one with broad strokes, it all comes across as a bit overwhelming and frustrating, as he moves on to the next item on his checklist right when you’re getting interested in the current one.

Johnson’s VHS collectors—who do quirky things like organize their stash by color or hide it away in their clubhouse/attic—come across as awkward hipsters who seem more interested in collecting cool points for their collections rather than watching the films that are inside the boxes, and Johnson would have benefitted from getting the added perspective of film buffs with a firm knowledge of the movies they collect. Or maybe REWIND THIS’ subjects do know the difference between Herschell Gordon Lewis and Joseph L. Lewis, but Johnson cut that footage out.

He does nail sit-downs with BASKET CASE director Frank Henenlotter and Troma head Lloyd Kaufman—both always welcome in any discussion of film history—as well as Something Weird Video’s Mike Vraney, Synapse’s Don May Jr., actress Cassandra Peterson (better known as Elvira and looking smashing), and several Japanese professionals who pitch in with information about the home video industry overseas.

REWIND THIS! also touches on the adult-movie industry’s impact on home video (I suspect one could easily get a whole documentary out of this), but oddly ignores a very important feature of VHS, which is that it allowed people to record TV shows and movies off the air and watch them later at their convenience. “Timeshifting” is touched upon, but I suspect this aspect of VCR ownership was just as important—if not more so—than the ability to buy or rent feature films on VHS. Johnson’s subjects line their walls with pre-records, but the perspective of a fan with shelves or boxes of their own VCR recordings would have been interesting.

Amiable and well-produced, REWIND THIS! isn’t the last word on a dead format (and I disagree with the film’s assertion that all physical media is in danger of dying anytime soon), but it will trigger memories of eager visits to dusty-shelved video stores and the sometimes-remarkable discoveries that hid within.

The Snow Devils

The fourth and concluding chapter of director Antonio Margheriti’s unofficial Gamma I series of space operas—following THE WILD, WILD PLANET, THE WAR OF THE PLANETS, and WAR BETWEEN THE PLANETS—THE SNOW DEVILS is also the most obscure. It doesn’t seem to have played as often on television (even on TNT and Turner Classic Movies, which aired the other three regularly), it never came out on videocassette anywhere in the world, and it was the last of the series to receive a domestic DVD release (courtesy of the Warner Archive). It also spends less time in outer space, though the antagonists are definitely extraterrestrial in origin.

Earth’s ice caps are melting. Temperatures are wildly fluctuating, endangering the population. It isn’t global warming (this time), but aliens from a frozen planet who have come to Earth to colonize it. But first they have to change the climate to make it habitable for them. Of course, the native population will die, unless Captain Rod Jackson (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart with insane hair), the commander of Gamma I space station can prevent it. Jackson, his pal Frank (Goffredo Unger), scientist Lisa Nielsen (Ombretta Colli), and their Sherpa guide Sharu (Wilbert Bradley) hike into the Himalayas to investigate the destruction of a weather station and discover the race of seven-foot blue-skinned humanoids.

Playing like a typical color episode of VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, complete with silly monsters, a stalwart and somewhat militarized crew of heroes, and an emphasis on miniature effects, THE SNOW DEVILS reaches its climax right around the sixty-minute mark. But—oops—there’s still a half-hour of running time left. So Margheriti and his writers, including Batman co-creator Bill Finger, send Jackson into outer space (finally) to destroy the rest of the Snow Devils who are hiding on one of Jupiter’s moons.

Margheriti’s usual inattention to basic science, the simple storyline, Rossi-Stuart’s smug performance, and the Tinker-Toy special effects can be ignored when the film is enough fun, but the pacing problems can’t. The first act really drags, and none of the action scenes really have enough pep to them. Fans of pulp science fiction will eat this stuff up, and no doubt that a lot of THE SNOW DEVILS is a lot of fun in the same way comic books like MYSTERY IN SPACE were fun (as the MGM one-sheet demonstrates). It’s certainly the weakest of the Gamma I quartet, however, despite another marvelous music score by Angelo Lavagnino. All four movies were filmed more or less back-to-back in Rome in 1964, partially using money from MGM, and their American theatrical releases were spread out over several years.

Satan's Princess

Bert I. Gordon (ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE, WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST) on his best day was no better than an average director, but his enthusiasm and lack of taste were generally good for an entertaining movie. SATAN'S PRINCESS, Gordon's last film to date, is a well-paced and very silly combination of urban crime drama and supernatural chiller. And it features Borscht Belt comic Jack Carter as a 15th-century Spanish priest. You see what I mean.

One thing you gotta respect about Robert Forster (JACKIE BROWN) is that you can never catch him sleepwalking through anything. Not only does he always seem to give each project 100%, regardless of how big a turkey it is, he usually is able to jack the movie up a notch or two with his performance. SATAN'S PRINCESS is dumb and laughable, but I'll be damned if Forster doesn't fill in the gaps in Gordon's screenplay and create a full-fledged character that's a joy to watch.

Forster is Lou Cherney, a crippled ex-cop with a learning-disabled son and a put-upon girlfriend (MY TUTOR babe Caren Kaye). Cherney walks with a cane as a result of a shotgun blast in the line of duty that shattered his knee. His disability surprisingly doesn't affect the story a bit, although it does give Forster more to play than just a standard "moody, alcoholic ex-cop obsessed with an unsolved case he takes too personally." Providing him with a disabled son seems like overkill, but the boy does eventually become a story point.

The case Cherney can't shake involves a missing person: a female runaway he could never find. The girl's father hires Cherney to continue his investigation, which leads him to a murdered model and her boss at the agency, Nicole St. James (Lydie Denier). For reasons not immediately explained, Nicole takes a shining to the battered gumshoe and invites him back to her mansion for hot sex. Considering we've already seen Nicole engage in full-frontal lesbian sex with the girl that Cherney's searching for, we're now ready to anoint Bert I. Gordon as a genius.

This gets most of the sex out of the way, but there's more craziness to come. Just about everyone in Lou's life comes to a violent demise. His son is occasionally possessed by Nicole and driven to violent acts, including pounding an icepick into his old man's back and forcing a psychic to leap to her death. Cherney makes a call and picks up some homemade weaponry from a dude named Jilly, who's recognizable as actor Daryl Anderson, the unkempt photographer Animal from the LOU GRANT TV series. I'm not completely sure about the film's resolution, except that Cherney flames the French chick with a rickety-looking flamethrower that I wouldn't trust to fire BBs, much less napalm. She's supposed to be a 500-year-old demon, not an alien, but she still sheds her human skin to reveal some unrealistic man-in-a-suit effects.

Plenty of sex and violence keeps this junky freight train of schlock rolling right along with Forster and Denier doing their best to keep it classy. Forster's weary manner of handling the script's one-liners (which are really funny) adds intentional humor (God knows there's plenty of unintentional laughs), and he manages to kick plenty of ass, bad leg be damned. Unsurprisingly, Forster didn't sign on to make a picture called SATAN'S PRINCESS (who would?). It was filmed as THE MALEDICTION, but I can imagine the smell of sweat from the Paramount marketing execs who would have to sell that to video stores. If this ever played in theaters (and I suspect it may have), I have found no evidence of it.

It Came From Outer Space

Universal-International’s first 3D feature is also the first science fiction film directed by Jack Arnold, who would go on to make TARANTULA, THE SPACE CHILDREN, THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN, CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, and others.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE, released in 1953, is one of Richard Carlson’s best performances in a genre film, possibly because he’s playing a character more interesting than the typical stoic scientist. Much of the film was lensed on appropriately creepy desert locations, and the marvelously art-directed soundstage “exteriors” match the mood perfectly.

A spaceship crash-lands near a small Arizona desert town. Amateur astronomer John Putnam (Carlson), considered something of a flake by the unsophisticated locals, and his teacher girlfriend Ellen (a brunette Barbara Rush, who looks stunning) believe the flaming ball to be a meteor and check out the crater. John finds an unusual craft at the bottom of it, but it’s quickly covered by an avalanche, and nobody—especially the sheriff (Charles Drake), who’s also carrying a torch for Ellen—believes his story. He also learns that the creatures are capturing some of the locals and replacing them with duplicates. But for what purpose? It’s a rather intriguing one unusual to 1950s space creatures, which were usually on Earth for sinister reasons.

Ray Bradbury (FAHRENHEIT 451) wrote the screenplay, and it was polished by Harry Essex (THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER). It’s a terrific script with obvious Cold War allusions (and some equally obvious plot holes, I’m afraid), and masterfully directed by Arnold, who spices the story with visual flair. Sets and special effects are very good too (I’m particularly fond of the laser blasts that annihilate the cave wall behind Carlson). An important picture not just for Arnold, who directed so many more important SF movies, but also Carlson, who kind of became synonymous with this type of movie. Henry Mancini, Irving Gertz, and Herman Stein composed the original score.

The General's Daughter

John Travolta zips along on charisma alone in THE GENERAL’S DAUGHTER. He plays Army criminal investigator Paul Brenner, who’s summoned to a steamy Georgia army post to investigate the brutal rape and strangulation of a beautiful blond captain named Elizabeth Campbell (Leslie Stefanson), daughter of the base’s commanding officer and future Vice Presidential hopeful General “Fighting Joe” Campbell (James Cromwell). The base’s military police chief Bill Kent (Timothy Hutton) assigns Brenner a partner: rape investigator Sarah Sunhill (Madeleine Stowe), an old flame of Brenner’s (“We’ll always have Brussels,” remarks the sardonic Brenner), which leaves plenty of room for the two to sling good-natured flirtatious barbs at each other while pursuing leads.

The screenplay by Christopher Bertolini and Hollywood vet William Goldman (who presumably contributed all the really good zingers) is stocked with red herrings, including Colonel Moore (James Woods), Campbell’s jittery mentor in the Psychological Operations department, where soldiers learn to “fuck with people’s minds”; Cromwell’s fiercely loyal adjutant (MOD SQUADer Clarence Williams III); the local town’s civilian police chief (Daniel Von Bargen), whose son was having an affair with the deceased; and even Gen. Campbell himself, whose relationship with his daughter was rocky and whose political ambitions could have been endangered by her promiscuous lifestyle.

For those who haven’t read Nelson DeMille’s original novel, the plot may seem confusing. Hutton’s character isn’t developed enough to carry the weight of his eventual role in the story, not enough emphasis is placed on the mystery’s essential clues, and an early subplot dealing with Brenner’s undercover investigation into an illegal arms deal should have been jettisoned (Paramount probably needed an action scene for the trailer).

Director Simon West (CON AIR) lends a slick, sweaty sheen to the entire proceedings, but doesn’t really do much more than let his talented cast sink its teeth into some juicy characters. Notice how he holds back and lets Travolta and Woods really go at one another in two scenes that are underrated career highlights for both actors. The final twist is somewhat anti-climactic and improperly telegraphed, but is handled well by the performers. Carter Burwell’s score is a standout, mixing some clever folk and what sounds like Cajun sounds into the mix.

Mod Squad #5, "The Hit"

Richard Deming, who wrote at least one unexceptional tie-in novel for STARSKY & HUTCH under the name "Max Franklin," did a much better job under his own for this MOD SQUAD adventure, published in 1970 as THE HIT.

It was the fifth of Deming's five MOD SQUAD novels for Pyramid Books, and, unlike many tie-in paperbacks of the era, was not written for kids. Racial epithets fly in every chapter, as Deming composes a mostly interesting tale of prejudice and murder that gives all three Mod Squaders an undercover role.

Everett Peterson, an important Los Angeles businessman and close confidante of city councilman Frank Gardner, comes to LAPD captain Adam Greer (played by the late Tige Andrews on the television series) after overhearing a conversation over his office switchboard that indicated a murder plot against prominent black leader Julian Ward. Two groups are the prime suspects: the Black Vigilantes, a vocal black militant group with no love of whites, and the Downtown Vigilantes, made up of white-collar white supremacists.

Greer assigns Officer Linc Hayes (Clarence Williams III) to infiltrate the Black Vigilantes and poke around for clues, while Pete Cochrane (Michael Cole) and Julie Barnes (Peggy Lipton) pretend to be a brother/sister duo interested in joining the Downtown Vigilantes. The Mod Squad discovers Gardner is a member of the anti-black organization, and when he is murdered by a sniper who appeared to have been aiming at Ward during the latter's public speech, the mystery grows more complex.

Characterization was not really the TV series' strong suit, and Deming doesn't bother much with it either. Not that THE HIT needs any, as the author seems more interested in examining race relations at a time when the King assassination was still on everyone's minds. THE HIT is not deep or heavily dramatic, but it does a nice job poking around the edges under the guise of a quickie paperback tie-in to a television show popular with young audiences. Executive producers Danny Thomas and Aaron Spelling hold the copyright on THE HIT, and it's interesting they would allow Deming to use their characters in a book with so many racial slurs. Of course, it was a different time, and America was more mature.

Ninja: Shadow Of A Tear

Director Isaac Florentine (U.S. SEALS II) took his crew to Thailand to shoot NINJA: SHADOW OF A TEAR, the 2013 sequel to Nu Image’s impressive direct-to-video NINJA. More skillful, exciting, and fun than most action movies that get nationwide releases on 4000 screens, NINJA: SHADOW OF A TEAR (let’s just call it by its working title: NINJA II) really deserves to be seen by more people than will ever track it down on Netflix or Redbox.

Picking up not long after the events of the first film, NINJA II finds Casey (Scott Adkins, hiding his natural British accent) now running the Koga dojo with his pregnant wife Namiko (Mika Hijii briefly reprising her role from NINJA). Life is pretty good until his serenity is shattered by a mysterious assassin who destroys his perfect life and sends him reeling to his friend Nakabara’s (Kane Kosugi) dojo in Thailand. The murderer, who uses a nasty bola-like weapon made from barbed wire similar to a flying guillotine, strikes there too. Nakabara suspects Goro (Shan Sugata), an old enemy of both his father and Namiko’s father, the former sensei of the Koga dojo who was murdered in NINJA. So it’s off to Myanmar for Casey to enact revenge.

Just to be frank, NINJA II is better in every way than NINJA, which is a pretty good movie itself. The sequel has better lighting, more exteriors, a higher budget, a more mature storyline, more judicious use of CGI, and action scenes even more spectacular than those in NINJA. Adkins has more to do as an actor as well. Not to overstate his abilities, but he’s certainly more charismatic than a lot of actors making their livings in action roles, and he handles the dramatics well enough. What Channing Tatum has that Adkins doesn’t, I have no idea. Of course, Adkins has the perfect muse in Florentine (NINJA II is their sixth movie together), who knows exactly how to shoot Adkins’ physical skills to the film’s best advantage.

Kosugi is the son of ‘80s action icon Sho Kosugi, who starred in Cannon’s ninja trilogy, and, as a child, appeared with his dad in several films, including REVENGE OF THE NINJA and PRAY FOR DEATH. NINJA II is a fine showcase for him too, as Florentine gives him a whopper of a fight scene to perform. He and Adkins work well together, putting the cap on one of the finer action movies of its time. As usual, Florentine proves himself a master of this particular art form, shooting the fights and stunts in long masters so we can see the performers work and only cutting when he needs to.

Ninja (2010)

Nu Image, the independent studio that comes closest to emulating the output of Cannon during its Golan-Globus years, produced NINJA, a love letter to the numerous ninja flicks that flooded theaters in the 1980s—primarily Cannon’s own trilogy of ENTER THE NINJA, REVENGE OF THE NINJA, and NINJA III: THE DOMINATION. The excellent action filmmaker Isaac Florentine, whose credits include the wonderful-but-you-haven’t-seen-them U.S. SEALS II, BRIDGE OF DRAGONS, and SPECIAL FORCES, is better suited than almost anyone else to bring back ninjas.

Florentine also reteams with his frequent star Scott Adkins of UNDISPUTED II and UNDISPUTED III, sequels highly regarded by fans of direct-to-video action films. Both men are at the top of their game on NINJA, a formulaic martial-arts film blessed with creative, artistic action sequences staged by Akahiro Yuji Noguchi, who goes way back with Florentine to their days directing MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS episodes. The setup by Boaz Davidson (THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN) and Michael Hurst (MANSQUITO) is reminiscent of Marc Olden’s Black Samurai novels, as well as ENTER THE NINJA.

Casey (Adkins), an American orphan, and Masazuka (Tsuyoshi Ihara), a hot-headed Japanese, are the top students at their dojo. Their sensei (Togo Igawa) banishes Masazuka for trying to kill Casey in a jealous rage. Years later, Masazuka is a top assassin who wears an outfit more like a superhero’s than a ninja’s, decked out with night vision goggles and shoulder pads. He kills the sensei out of revenge and pursues Casey and the sensei’s daughter Namiko (Mika Hijii) to New York City, where they have taken a chest containing the weaponry and costume of the last Koga ninja for safekeeping. More kicks, punches, and swordplay are forthcoming, and most of it excitingly performed for maximum effect by the actors themselves.

Where NINJA falls apart is its copious use of CGI blood, which looks phony and threatens to destroy whatever suspension of disbelief the audience can muster to accept the silliness of ninjas in New York City. Other bad CGI can’t be blamed on Florentine, but rather the money men at Nu Image who forced the director to replicate New York on a fake-looking backlot in Sofia, Bulgaria (that one subway stop sure shows up a lot). One fight between Ihara and Adkins on a rooftop looks ridiculous surrounded by the clearly phony green-screen effects surrounding it. With as much effort Florentine and his team put into making their fights and stunts look painful and real, it’s a shame they had to rely on such reality-shattering visual effects. Adkins and Florentine returned in 2013’s superior sequel, NINJA: SHADOW OF A TEAR.

672 TV Shows

672. That's the number of television episodes I watched in 2013. This is my first time cataloging TV viewings. I was trying to watch all five seasons of TAXI, but I slacked off a bit in the fall and have only made it 90% through.

281 episodes I watched as AVI files, which I streamed through my Xbox 360 to my HDTV.

Blu-ray: 2 (one each of THE PRISONER and THE THIN MAN)

DVD: 158

HDTV: 198

Hulu Plus: 2 (two-part third-season opener of THE WHITE SHADOW)

iPad: 12

Netflix: 12

SDTV: 2

YouTube: 5

First episode of 2013: PARENTHOOD, “Keep On Rowing”

Last episode of 2013: ROOM 222, “Only a Rose”

From the 1950s: 19

1960s: 50

1970s: 144

1980s: 95

1990s: 8

2000–2012: 9

2013: 346

Genres:

Action/Adventure: 52

Comedy: 18

Crime Drama: 162

Documentary: 2

Drama: 42

Fantasy: 1

Horror: 7

Music: 1

Science Fiction: 30

Sitcom: 323

Talk/Variety: 29

Western: 5

Classic Television Series I Watched for the First Time:

ANGEL (1960-61)

ARCHER

ARNIE

THE BETTY WHITE SHOW (1977)

THE CHARMINGS

THE DANNY KAYE SHOW

HEC RAMSEY

I’M DICKENS…HE’S FENSTER

THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW (1960s)

PETE AND GLADYS

REDD FOXX SHOW

SQUARE PEGS

TARGET: THE CORRUPTERS

THE THIN MAN

UNITED STATES MARSHAL

WHIRLYBIRDS

Series I Watched Only One Episode Of:

AMERICAN MASTERS

ARNIE

BENSON

THE BETTY WHITE SHOW

THE BOB HOPE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

BOURBON STREET BEAT

CADE’S COUNTY

CHARLIE’S ANGELS

THE CHARMINGS

CPO SHARKEY

CSI: MIAMI

DADS

THE DANNY KAYE SHOW

THE DEAN MARTIN SHOW

THE DICK CAVETT SHOW

DRAGNET

DRAGNET 1970

FAMILY TOOLS

FLO

THE GOLDBERGS

THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO

GREATEST EVENT IN TELEVISION HISTORY

I’M DICKENS…HE’S FENSTER

THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW

JULIA

KOJAK (80s)

LAREDO

LEVERAGE

LIMITED PARTNERS (unsold pilot)

LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE

THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

THE MICHAEL J. FOX SHOW

MIDNIGHT CALLER

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE

MOM

MOONLIGHTING

NAKIA

THE NAME OF THE GAME

NEWSRADIO

OUR MISS BROOKS

OWEN MARSHALL, COUNSELOR AT LAW

PETE AND GLADYS

THE PRISONER

REDD FOXX SHOW

SEINFELD

SHAFT

THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR

SPACE: 1999

SPORTS NIGHT

SQUARE PEGS

STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

STARSKY AND HUTCH

SUPER FUN NIGHT

SUSAN: 313 (unsold pilot)

TARGET: THE CORRUPTERS

THE THIN MAN

TWILIGHT ZONE (original)

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (80s)

UNITED STATES MARSHAL

WE ARE MEN

WHO’S WATCHING THE KIDS

WKRP IN CINCINNATI

ZERO HOUR

How many TV shows did you watch this year?

134 Books

I read 134 books this year, 23 more than last year’s total of 112, which was the first time I kept a record.

First book of 2013: INADMISSABLE EVIDENCE by Phillip Friedman

Last book of 2013: THE BLOOD OF STRANGERS, a Dirty Harry novel by “Dane Hartman”

Of the 134, 52 of them were re-reads

Hardcover: 34

Paperback: 92

Trade paperback: 8

I read no book electronically in 2013.

Counting by genre:

Fiction: 115

Action/Adventure: 16

Crime Drama: 56

Mystery/Thriller: 35

Science Fiction: 1

Western: 5

Drama: 1

Horror: 1 (Jeff Rice’s THE NIGHT STALKER)

Non-Fiction: 19

Biography: 1 (J.J. Armes)

Comic Books: 3

Film: 4

Sports: 3

Television: 6

Entertainment: 1

History: 1

From the 1930s: 5

1940s: 5

1950s: 21

1960s: 24

1970s: 32

1980s: 13

1990s: 14

2000–2012: 18

2013: 2

My big project last year was reading or re-reading the complete collection of 87^th Precinct police procedurals written by the late Ed McBain. And I did, except for two books that I didn’t have in my collection and couldn’t find at both of my local libraries. I read 51 of McBain’s 54 (I also didn’t re-read one that I had read just a couple of years ago) 87^th Precinct books and a short story in an issue of ELLERY QUEEN’S MYSTERY MAGAZINE.

Ace Double paperbacks: 9

Doc Savage novels by Kenneth Robeson: 3

Shell Scott novels by Richard S. Prather: 2

Nero Wolfe novels by Rex Stout: 2

Perry Mason novels by Erle Stanley Gardner: 2

Penetrator novels by Lionel Derrick: 2

Other authors read more than once:

Jerrold Freedman: 3

Alistair MacLean: 2

Edward S. Aarons: 2

Elisabeth Sanxay Holding: 2

L.A. Morse: 2

Philip Friedman: 2

Rob Neyer: 2

Tom Weaver: 2

Tom West: 2

Five recommendations:

THE BLACK SHRIKE (1961) by Alistair MacLean

MAIL-ORDER MYSTERIES: REAL STUFF FROM OLD COMIC BOOK ADS! (2011) by Kirk Demarais

MARY AND LOU AND RHODA AND TED (2013) by Jennifer Keishin Armstrong

NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING (1969) by The Gordons

THE PHANTOM CITY (1933) by Kenneth Robeson (Lester Dent)

Plus any Ed McBain novel of the 1950s or 1960s is a good way to jump on the 87^th Precinct bandwagon.

How many books did you read this year?

343 Movies

343. That's the number of movies I watched in 2013. That’s well below my all-time record of 588 in 2004, and only three off last year’s total of 346.

Of the 343 movies I saw, I watched 189 of them for the first time. Here are my rules. As far as the count goes, only feature films count, no matter whether I saw them in a theater, DVD, VHS, Netflix, or on TV. This also includes complete features on YouTube or as AVI files.

• TV shows don't count, unless they were presented in a format resembling a feature film (for instance, the pilot episodes of MAN FROM ATLANTIS, which aired as full-length made-for-TV movies)

• Made-for-TV movies count

• Documentaries count

• I didn't count short subjects or feature-length making-of documentaries included as DVD extras

• Movie serials and TV miniseries count as one long feature

• Multiple viewings each count as a separate movie

These are my rules. Your mileage may vary.

AVI: 3

Blu-ray: 27

Theater: 25

DVD: 219

HDTV: 33

Netflix Instant: 33

SDTV: 1

VHS: 2

First film of 2013: STONE COLD with Brian Bosworth

Last film of 2013: NATIONAL LAMPOON’S DAD’S WEEK OFF

From the 1930s: 5 (WHITE ZOMBIE, SMART BLONDE, THE RENEGADE RANGER, THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES, THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES)

1940s: 10

1950s: 22

1960s: 52

1970s: 86

1980s: 87

1990s: 44

2000–2012: 24

2013: 13

Genres:

Action/Adventure: 106

Comedy: 41

Crime Drama: 21

Documentary: 10

Drama: 11

Fantasy: 1

Horror: 64

Musical: 2

Mystery: 13

Science Fiction: 37

Sexploitation: 1

Thriller: 24

Western: 12

Countries of origin:

Argentina: 1

Canada: 8

France: 2

Great Britain: 15

Hong Kong: 4

Italy: 20

Japan: 3

Mexico: 5

Philippines:  8

South Africa: 2

Spain: 1

United States of America: 271

West Germany: 3

Favorite films seen in a theater:

GRAVITY (my first IMAX 3D viewing and a marvelous experience…terrific thriller too)

REBECCA (a battered 35mm print seen just weeks before star Joan Fontaine’s death)

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY (new remastered digital print)

FRIDAY THE 13^TH (great fun with a good-sized crowd that gasped in all the right places)

ESCAPE PLAN (solid, entertaining team-up of ‘80s heavyweights Stallone and Schwarzenegger)

Most in one month:

January: 42

Least in one month:

April: 19

Films I saw more than once in 2013:

GETEVEN (three times!)

MIAMI CONNECTION (three times!)

BATWOMAN

THE TITAN FIND (rare 2013 DVD release of William Malone’s CREATURE)

WONDER WOMEN

The most films in any one 24-hour period:

14, when I attended Northwestern University's annual B-Fest January 25–26

The Best Films I Saw for the First Time in 2013:

CASH ON DEMAND

ESCAPE PLAN

GETEVEN and MIAMI CONNECTION (absolute trash-film classics)

GRAVITY

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

NEBRASKA

NEVER TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER

REBECCA (1940)

TWINS OF EVIL

WHERE EAGLES DARE

Some sequels:

MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING

PUPPET MASTER III: TOULON’S REVENGE

LETHAL WEAPON 2

NINJA III: THE DOMINATION

DETECTIVE MALONE (THE BLACK COBRA 4)

JAWS III and JAWS: THE REVENGE

PIRANHA PART TWO: THE SPAWNING

PUMPKINHEAD II: BLOOD WINGS

CHILD’S PLAY 2

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

5 Stars:

ACTION U.S.A.

CASH ON DEMAND

DAZED AND CONFUSED

DEADLY PREY

GETEVEN

GRAVITY

MIAMI CONNECTION

NEVER TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE

SPEED

STUNT ROCK

SUPER TROOPERS

TWILIGHT’S LAST GLEAMING

1 Star:

ALEX CROSS

THE CREEPING TERROR

THE DEMON

ESCAPE FROM HELL ISLAND

FLESH FEAST

FUGITIVE WOMEN

GALAXINA

HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN

IT’S A BIKINI WORLD

JAWS III

LINDA AND ABILENE

MARKED FOR MURDER

MAXIMUM SECURITY

MR. ANGEL

NIGHTFLYERS

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

A PLACE CALLED TODAY

PRETTY MODELS…ALL IN A ROW

PRISON GIRLS

REPO JAKE

SNUFF

SOLAR ATTACK

SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE

THE TORMENTORS

WARM BODIES

Recent Direct-to-Video or Barely Released Films You Haven’t Heard Of, But You Should See:

CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES: THE COMPLETE HISTORY OF FRIDAY THE 13^TH (for horror completists only)

THE WAR OF THE STARS (“grindhouse” STAR WARS bootleg re-edit)

MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED!

PAUL WILLIAMS STILL ALIVE

PONTYPOOL

Most Films by Director:

Cirio H. Santiago: 6

J. Lee Thompson: 5

Edward L. Cahn: 4

Rene Cardona: 4

David L. Hewitt: 3

Bert I. Gordon: 3

Fred Olen Ray: 3

Roy William Neill: 3

William Asher: 3

Most Films by Star:

Basil Rathbone & Nigel Bruce: 6

Cameron Mitchell: 6

Henry Silva: 5

Charles Bronson: 4

Huntz Hall: 4

Chuck Norris: 3

Dolph Lundgren: 3

Frankie Avalon & Annette Funicello: 3

John Cusack: 3

Paul McCartney: 3

Roger Moore: 3

Sylvester Stallone: 3

Wings Hauser: 3

Bowery Boys movies:

HOLD THAT HYPNOTIST

IN THE MONEY

THE BOWERY BOYS MEET THE MONSTERS

MASTER MINDS

Tarzan movies:

TARZAN AND THE TRAPPERS

STAR TREK movies:

STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT

STAR TREK: INSURRECTION

They Exist, and I Watched Them:

7 FOR INFINITY VS. THE SPACE MONSTERS

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET CAPTAIN KIDD

THE ALLEY TRAMP

CY WARRIOR: SPECIAL COMBAT UNIT

DR. GIGGLES

D’WILD WILD WENG

THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORRO

THE ETRUSCAN KILLS AGAIN

FFOLKES

FLESH FEAST

IT’S A BIKINI WORLD

MACISTE IN HELL

MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS!

THE NAUGHTY CHEERLEADER

NINJA III: THE DOMINATION

SHAKMA

THAT GUY…WHO WAS IN THAT THING

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT

THE WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY

My Top Five of 2013:

CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES: THE COMPLETE HISTORY OF FRIDAY THE 13TH

GRAVITY

ESCAPE PLAN

NEBRASKA

THE CONJURING

My Bottom Four of 2013:

WARM BODIES

THE NUMBERS STATION (Cusack!)

LOVELACE

THE FACTORY (Cusack!)

How many movies did you watch this year?