Thursday, July 03, 2014

Asteroid Vs Earth

Like father, like son. The director of ASTEROID VS. EARTH, another ridiculous disaster movie from The Asylum, is Christopher Ray (billed here as Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray), whose father Fred Olen Ray began directing schlocky horror, action, and science fiction movies in the 1980s and amassed over one hundred film credits.

Most of Fred’s films aren’t very good, but at their best, they exhibited a zippy pace, a sense of humor and fun, and game cast members that read like a Who’s Who of out-of-work Turner Classic Movie actors. Suffice to say, ASTEROID VS. EARTH by Fred Olen Ray’s son exhibits none of these traits.

The screenplay by Adam Lipsius is certainly fiction, but there’s very little science in it. The plot revolves around a plan to explode nuclear weapons in certain spots under the Pacific Ocean that will cause massive earthquakes and move Earth out of its orbit and the path of a massive asteroid.

This brilliant plan is the brainchild of a bratty college kid (Charles Byun) who orders around an Army general played by Robert Davi (LICENSE TO KILL). I’m sure Davi felt silly enough with Steven Seagal’s swept-back toupee taped to his head, but to be standing in full dress uniform asking advice from a condescending kid about how to stop a rampaging asteroid...well, the check cleared, right?

As usual with these low-budget thrillers, the reach of the visual effects department far exceeds its grasp. The amateurish CGI in no way sells the film’s outlandish premise. Neither do the stars, which include WAYNE’S WORLD sexpot Tia Carerre as a deep-sea geophysicist and BAYWATCH’S Jason Brooks as the executive officer of a nuclear submarine sent to blast the tectonic plates.

Even the makeup is bad in this movie. The Fuller’s earth slapped on the crewmen’s faces makes them look like they were too lazy to shave, not dirty and sweaty.

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