Friday, August 22, 2014
The charisma-challenged Dylan Walsh (CONGO) stars in FINAL VOYAGE as professional bodyguard Aaron Carpenter, who, after screwing up a job in the opening scene (although it appears to me as though he did okay), receives an even better gig (!) protecting an heiress (Eleniak) on a cruise ship. Unfortunately, the ship is the target of terrorists led by Josef (Ice-T) and slinky Max (Claudia Christian).
What’s really amazing about FINAL VOYAGE is how shoddy the production looks. The cruise ship rarely has more than a handful of extras, the “bowels” of the ship were obviously filmed in some sort of factory or refinery (check out the concrete walls), and every other scene features the same prop life preserver hanging on the wall—one that misspells the name of the ship!
If you’re looking for an exciting action movie, avoid this voyage at all costs, but if you don’t mind mocking the multitude of continuity errors (keep your eye on the shoulder Walsh gets shot in), cheap sets, clunky dialogue, and mismatched stock footage (one lengthy sequence borrows quite heavily from JUGGERNAUT, a movie made 25 years earlier!), you could have a good time with it.
While the movie is nothing to get excited about, the audio commentary track on the out-of-print Artisan DVD is. Wynorski and (especially) Christian have a rollicking time ripping the movie to shreds, "MSTing" everything from Ice-T's acting deficiencies to the ludicrous plot contrivances to, of course, that damned life preserver. It's one of the most entertaining commentaries I've listened to, and I agree with Wynorski when he says it's ten times more entertaining than the film.