Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Look For Me At 7:03

My name is in the closing credits of CLERKS II. Sorta.

I had totally forgotten about that. I don't remember how I heard about this--maybe my brother told me or something. Several months ago, before Kevin Smith's sequel to CLERKS was released theatrically, Smith announced that anyone who added CLERKS II as a MySpace friend would receive the honor of having his or her MySpace moniker appear in the closing crawl as a sort of thank you. It wasn't adding Smith himself (whom I believe does have a MySpace page), but the movie, CLERKS II. So I thought, what the heck, and I did it (I have since removed it, I think).

Tonight I'm watching CLERKS II on DVD, and I let the credits roll at the end. The film ends, and then the disc jumps to a new track which is literally thousands and thousands of names scrolling at a speed so fast that you can't possibly read them without freeze-framing. Aha, this must be that MySpace scroll that I forgot about. This clip runs 12 minutes, and it's just four columns of rapidly scrolling names. Using the Pause button, I found my name, right between Marissa McKee and Max McKee.

Even though I didn't have to do a damn thing to be included, it still was neat for a second to see my name on the CLERKS II disc. I'm also on the CITY OF THE DEAD DVD, and I'm included in the Acknowledgments page of a recent biography of Paul Frees too. And I didn't do much to earn either honor.

CLERKS II, by the way, is Kevin Smith's STROKER ACE. If JAY & SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK was his CANNONBALL RUN, this is his STROKER ACE. It isn't terrible like STROKER ACE, but it's one of the most self-indulgent films I've seen recently and exists only to give Smith and his friends a good time. I don't really believe we needed to see more of Dante and Randall and Jay and Silent Bob, but here they are, in color this time.

Thirtysomething slackers Dante (Brian O'Halloran) and Randall (Jeff Anderson) now work at a fast-food joint called Mooby's, a year after their beloved Quik Stop burned to the ground as a result of Randall leaving the damn coffee pot turned on again. It's Dante's last day; he leaves the following morning with his fiance Emma (Smith's wife Jennifer Schwalbach) for Florida, where her father plans to set Dante up managing a car wash. Although Dante manages to cover up whatever anxiety he may have about starting a new life without best buddy Randall, he isn't so successful breaking away from his boss Becky (Rosario Dawson), for whom he has feelings.

If nothing else, CLERKS II brings man-on-donkey sex into the mainstream, so I guess it's good for something. O'Halloran, Anderson and Smith and Jason Mewes still aren't charismatic enough to carry a feature, but Dawson is. She's so bright and energetic and natural and beautiful that she almost makes you believe that she could fall in love with Dante. Almost.

CLERKS II is better than JERSEY GIRL, but no higher in Smith's repertoire, and it certainly isn't even as funny as the CLERKS TV series, an animated sitcom that ABC bitchslapped, mishandled and cancelled after only two telecasts. All six produced shows are on DVD and are worth owning.

For what it's worth, my Smith Scale looks like this:
  1. DOGMA
  2. CLERKS
  3. JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
  4. MALLRATS
  5. CHASING AMY
  6. CLERKS II
  7. JERSEY GIRL

1 comment:

Neil said...

My feelings on Kevin Smith movies are too complicated to get into here. It's that feeling of liking him, I think, but rarely feeling entirely satisfied with the movies, except Chasing Amy, until I've lived with them a while and they sort of become oddly like old friends.

Except Jersey Girl, which ranks so much lower than the others as to hardly be worth noting.

I'm guessing Clerks II will sneak above Dogma, which is just above Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but I can't be sure.